Prone to failure; My experiences with negative thoughts

Rondal · Dec 6, 2021

tl;dr - a bigass dump of recent feelings

You guys ever get that feeling of failure? Pure, utter irreversible failure?

I've felt for a lot my adulthood that I've failed to succeed where others have, and rapidly get the sense of dread that what I'm doing is, again, irreversible. This thread is kind of an opening out about those experiences, I don't really have anywhere else to vent about it.

I spend a lot of my time following my hobbies, being with my friends and attempting to have some form of social life, however, when it comes to more complex scenarios I fall apart. I've been slowly losing friends over the years, and the sense of foreboding that comes with that feels like it threatens me in the long run- like I'll lose all of them in due time.

I don't really have success with reading other people, and as such I spend a lot of my time chasing after others that have no interest in me. This is kind of a bounce off a recent encounter, but throughout my life I've always struggled with being led on or failing to recognise the signs that someone just isn't into you- it's repetitive.

I struggle with confidence. I struggle with academics, mostly at my own hand. A lot of time I spend trying to actually apply myself to my education just falls apart, mentally I really struggle to fit myself into the Engineering degree that I'm currently working towards, and I've actually had to start over university years halfway into my second year by changing universities from how much I found the education difficult to push through.

The confidence doesn't really go unnoticed either, I'm always struggling to see myself in a positive light. I find it incredibly difficult to look at myself with positivity when in the mirror or in photographs, and self-care is something I've been slowly pushing, but struggle with all too well. I hate my face, I hate my body and its shape - I consider myself ugly. That's the truth about what I think of myself, I don't really want to dress it up anymore, I just honestly don't view my physical appearance in any positive light.

I also really put myself down on social encounters too for my confidence, it remains a part of my mindset that a lot of my friends are talking negatively behind my back, or rather they aren't being truthful when they 'act' friendly around me. Deep down, I know it's not true of course, I've been friends with some of these people for ten years now- I just cannot shake the way I would feel in the heat of the moment. A single comment out of line could throw my head into the deep end of - do they like me? what did they mean by that? but recently I've been learning to suppress it, particularly thanks to my CBT therapy sessions (I've never taken therapy until now, so it's new to me entirely).

Concluding this short about me, I've written it as kind of a way to push my thoughts out. I struggle mentally with a lot of these thoughts and don't feel like I can really come forward to my friends about it as easily right now, at least for now. My twenty-second birthday is coming up next week, and part of me is filled with a sense of dread and partially guilt, I feel like I'm failing those around me by being so far behind in everything I do. My friends have graduated, mostly with first degrees, and I'm still in my early years. Am I the failure? I don't know. This is just something I kind of wanted to speak about, even if it's not listened to, typing it out feels cathartic- parting way with the words somewhat.

Thanks for listening to this, if you did.

ddæ · Dec 6, 2021

u need a pint BAD

MaelRadecs · Dec 6, 2021

I know where you're coming from, somewhat. I see people my age, low to mid twenties with houses, nice cars, good paying jobs and late into their college years and I used to wonder if somehow I've failed or what I've done wrong.

Same with appearance, but truth be told, everyone looks into the mirror and sees imperfection where others do not, society has given us unrealistic expectations. Attractiveness is entirely subjective though and looks, while they can bring confidence, say nothing about your character. Having high self esteem/respect is far more attractive than a square jawed man who has none of it. Focus on what can be changed, not what can't.

In addition to the above, I'll include that success isn't a college degree, a house, a woman, a car. Success is your happiness, and I know people who've been successful living in many different ways than how society would tell them to live. People who decided to sell everything and set sail, people who live out of cars and busk for cash, roadside cooks, etc.

I found my personal passion to be creative writing, and once I quickly realized how happy it made me to write/read for a small audience, I realized that my goals originally (what I listed above) weren't MY goals, but everyone else's goals, societies goals, shared dreams that truly meant nothing to me in the first place.

End of the day, your hobbies are your happiness most likely, therefore your success. Capitalize on that. Stop viewing your job/education as your success, view it as a necessity to get to what makes you successful, what makes you happy, whatever that may be.

---

As a side note, this is all just my opinion so you don't have to take anything here like it's the bible. Ultimately, we're different people some way or another. I will say, that escapism, while some view it as an unhealthy coping mechanism, has honestly saved me a lot of trouble mentally. Once I stopped giving a shit about the going on's of the world and shifted my focus more on what I found fun and enjoyed, life became far better.

Hope this helps somewhat.

EXODITE.XXX · Dec 6, 2021

Within days of being named CWU lead, Rondal was zapped by the sheer negative energy radiating from the whitelist, which retroactively caused him pain and suffering.

Dumb joke aside, I can understand where you’re coming from. It’s a vicious cycle, too.
You are not a failure, my dude. A failure would have offed himself or given in to drug addiction, or any number of self-destructive habits. You, on the other hand, do seek to improve yourself. You are at least willing to push toward the engineering degree and not settle for retail work/infinite welfare.

That being said, I consider you a stand-up guy, from what I have seen from you. And, hilariously, you got more balls than me. You actually at least made an attempt at achieving romance, and anyone who can truly understand women is a god among men anyway, so don’t sweat it. You are only a “failure” by comparison to an objectively ideal, but it bears repeating.

I kind of suck at reading people’s long-term thoughts on me too. But my cheat is asking them “what do you want me to think of you?” Great way to find out who values you.

Aside: Women I consider asking out I ask myself “do I want this woman as the mother of my children?” and if she isn’t taking care of herself, I’m scared for what kind of environment my kids would be in. Women, or at least the keepers, be like that too. Trust me, man, good grooming habits and a plan to improve yourself will get you places. Also, I barely talk to my old school friends, but my coworkers are lovely people I want to get to know better. (And reading what you said is encouraging me to at least try with someone, worst she can do is say no. Or rip my arms off then never operate a forklift for me again.)

tldr You’re a whole lot better than you think you are. Now clean your room. (Alternately, take a break from uni for a year to work full time, likely in retail, so you have motivation to study harder.)

Rondal · Dec 6, 2021

EXODITE.XXX said:
(Alternately, take a break from uni for a year to work full time, likely in retail, so you have motivation to study harder.)

I find this funny because I actually do both at the same time, but thanks for your kind words friends

Angel · Dec 7, 2021

Rondal said:
tl;dr - a bigass dump of recent feelings

You guys ever get that feeling of failure? Pure, utter irreversible failure?

I've felt for a lot my adulthood that I've failed to succeed where others have, and rapidly get the sense of dread that what I'm doing is, again, irreversible. This thread is kind of an opening out about those experiences, I don't really have anywhere else to vent about it.

I spend a lot of my time following my hobbies, being with my friends and attempting to have some form of social life, however, when it comes to more complex scenarios I fall apart. I've been slowly losing friends over the years, and the sense of foreboding that comes with that feels like it threatens me in the long run- like I'll lose all of them in due time.

I don't really have success with reading other people, and as such I spend a lot of my time chasing after others that have no interest in me. This is kind of a bounce off a recent encounter, but throughout my life I've always struggled with being led on or failing to recognise the signs that someone just isn't into you- it's repetitive.

I struggle with confidence. I struggle with academics, mostly at my own hand. A lot of time I spend trying to actually apply myself to my education just falls apart, mentally I really struggle to fit myself into the Engineering degree that I'm currently working towards, and I've actually had to start over university years halfway into my second year by changing universities from how much I found the education difficult to push through.

The confidence doesn't really go unnoticed either, I'm always struggling to see myself in a positive light. I find it incredibly difficult to look at myself with positivity when in the mirror or in photographs, and self-care is something I've been slowly pushing, but struggle with all too well. I hate my face, I hate my body and its shape - I consider myself ugly. That's the truth about what I think of myself, I don't really want to dress it up anymore, I just honestly don't view my physical appearance in any positive light.

I also really put myself down on social encounters too for my confidence, it remains a part of my mindset that a lot of my friends are talking negatively behind my back, or rather they aren't being truthful when they 'act' friendly around me. Deep down, I know it's not true of course, I've been friends with some of these people for ten years now- I just cannot shake the way I would feel in the heat of the moment. A single comment out of line could throw my head into the deep end of - do they like me? what did they mean by that? but recently I've been learning to suppress it, particularly thanks to my CBT therapy sessions (I've never taken therapy until now, so it's new to me entirely).

Concluding this short about me, I've written it as kind of a way to push my thoughts out. I struggle mentally with a lot of these thoughts and don't feel like I can really come forward to my friends about it as easily right now, at least for now. My twenty-second birthday is coming up next week, and part of me is filled with a sense of dread and partially guilt, I feel like I'm failing those around me by being so far behind in everything I do. My friends have graduated, mostly with first degrees, and I'm still in my early years. Am I the failure? I don't know. This is just something I kind of wanted to speak about, even if it's not listened to, typing it out feels cathartic- parting way with the words somewhat.

Thanks for listening to this, if you did.

I know people are going to think I'm trolling, but I really am not, so I'm going to share a few thoughts that helped me work through my shit

Now, I know everyone likes to meme that "omegalul jordan peterson white men lul" but reality is, you are literally the people he is trying to reach, and the reason I bring this up is because some of the 'rules for life' he gives really helped me out and I will add a few of my own. If you don't like the man, just forget it was him who said it and think of it as simple life advice, that might help especially on the part of how you see yourself.

1 Stand up straight with your shoulders straight

Start working out and going to the gym and looking after all those things - your face you might not be able to change too much, but your body? You absolutely can. It's boring and takes work and it sucks to have to do it, but reality is, exercise makes you more confident, makes you feel better, makes you look better. Helps with a whole bunch of things. The Stand up straight part is just a version of this

2 Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping

Lets be honest, you are not taking care of yourself, yet you clearly act to impress 'friends' who you go on to say aren't even really looking out for you - why the fuck do you treat other people better than you treat yourself? This is possibly the most common 'sin' we do. So scared of social shame and rejection we go out of our ways to impress people that don't matter while neglecting us.

3 Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not the useless person you are today

Try to be better every day, Rome wasn't built in a day. Get rid of instagram (if you use it) and other parasocial life comparing bullshit social media things, it's a cancer and it only makes you compare to fake unrealistic lives of you people who you don't know. The only person that you need to be worried about surpassing is yourself. If you get 1% better a week, that's massive fucking improvement yearly, because it compounds. Most people overestimate what they can do in a year and underestimate what they can do in 10.

This is in essence just 'basic advice' but realistically, most people don't even do these basic things.

Here is a quote I like by Marcus Aurelius

"Your mind will take the shape of what you frequently hold in thought, for the Human spirit is colored by such impressions."

Garbage in garbage out. If you fill yourself with negative thoughts you will be manifesting that shit. Hear a lie enough times and it becomes true - this might sound dumb but I do affirmations every day.
People are gonna laugh at this, but I do it every single day and it has helped me incredibly.

Entora · Dec 8, 2021

lifes too short to dwell on what couldve been or what could be. focus on what is!

Rondal · Dec 9, 2021

Angel said:
I know people are going to think I'm trolling, but I really am not, so I'm going to share a few thoughts that helped me work through my shit

Now, I know everyone likes to meme that "omegalul jordan peterson white men lul" but reality is, you are literally the people he is trying to reach, and the reason I bring this up is because some of the 'rules for life' he gives really helped me out and I will add a few of my own. If you don't like the man, just forget it was him who said it and think of it as simple life advice, that might help especially on the part of how you see yourself.

1 Stand up straight with your shoulders straight

Start working out and going to the gym and looking after all those things - your face you might not be able to change too much, but your body? You absolutely can. It's boring and takes work and it sucks to have to do it, but reality is, exercise makes you more confident, makes you feel better, makes you look better. Helps with a whole bunch of things. The Stand up straight part is just a version of this

2 Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping

Lets be honest, you are not taking care of yourself, yet you clearly act to impress 'friends' who you go on to say aren't even really looking out for you - why the fuck do you treat other people better than you treat yourself? This is possibly the most common 'sin' we do. So scared of social shame and rejection we go out of our ways to impress people that don't matter while neglecting us.

3 Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not the useless person you are today

Try to be better every day, Rome wasn't built in a day. Get rid of instagram (if you use it) and other parasocial life comparing bullshit social media things, it's a cancer and it only makes you compare to fake unrealistic lives of you people who you don't know. The only person that you need to be worried about surpassing is yourself. If you get 1% better a week, that's massive fucking improvement yearly, because it compounds. Most people overestimate what they can do in a year and underestimate what they can do in 10.

This is in essence just 'basic advice' but realistically, most people don't even do these basic things.

Here is a quote I like by Marcus Aurelius

"Your mind will take the shape of what you frequently hold in thought, for the Human spirit is colored by such impressions."

Garbage in garbage out. If you fill yourself with negative thoughts you will be manifesting that shit. Hear a lie enough times and it becomes true - this might sound dumb but I do affirmations every day.
People are gonna laugh at this, but I do it every single day and it has helped me incredibly.

Ordering both books for JP, he's been really interesting to read into lately.

ddæ · Dec 9, 2021

you should stop reading certain types of "self help books" in the belief that you're """expanding your knowledge""" when in reality you're acting out a parasocial action, it can be unhealthy and drop you deeper in some sad introvert pit. connect with people in real life and become your best self though social interaction. it comes at different times for different people and every person has their own extroverted nature of severe social anxiety that they need to overcome.

Prone to failure; My experiences with negative thoughts

Rondal

And whole beasts of nations desire power

ddæ

`impulse-approved

MaelRadecs

Best Damn ODST

EXODITE.XXX

I s2k with fists

Rondal

And whole beasts of nations desire power

Angel

she/her/they nonbinary transfem

Entora

Proton

Rondal

And whole beasts of nations desire power

ddæ

`impulse-approved