rate what i quickly wrote up for my english assigment

shit

according to my iq of 270 billion this is pretty good

shitty

sneed

shit

shitty shit

• Starting with weather is very niche.
• "As he hurriedly paced" is past tense, but "the wind picking up behind him nearly blows his cap away" is present.
• "A local pub" < "The local pub".
• "As to the patrons and bartender there gave him quite a laugh" < "The patrons there amused him, and the establishment was open to his needs at all hours of the night."
• "His raincoat was drenched from the in-climate weather." is all you need to say, no need to make a simile. You're trying to make your writing too flowery.
• "He trudged on, finally making it to the pub." Stop switching tenses.
• "[The entire first sentence of the second paragraph]" is a VERY long winded way to say "He opened the door and stepped inside; the door slammed behind him in the wind."
• You're misusing the phrase "hearts content", the proper way to use it is "until your heart is content." "To their hearts content" doesn't work, it implies they'd already finished singing.

Your writing is fine, but unrefined. If you want to read a flowery book to take some inspiration from read McCarthy's "The Road", that'll knock you on your ass. Keep practicing dawg.

welcome to shrike's english class

• you're using too many adjectives and adverbs to describe things that do not need the description to fill their narrative function. EX: "Rain gently pattered against the cobblestone streets outside where Montresor walker, his shoes squelching lightly in the water as he hurriedly paced forward". I would say that no adverb or adjective except hurriedly is needed in this sentence, mainly cause it reinforces the later statement "Montresor hated rain". You've also used adjectives and adverbs that don't mix together in the narrative at all, he walks hurriedly but his feet are only squelching the rain lightly? It's a minor inconsistency but it's noticeable.
  
• you are mixing in language that is gives off a weird image of what you're trying to get the text to be. One sentence you're giving a very casual explanation of the main character's experience and thoughts on rain, then suddenly it takes on a very poetic sort of tone, using alas and metaphors in a way you haven't done before in the text. This could work out better if you eased into it and or sectioned it so that the reader can make the distinction between different phases of the text.
• you're using commas weirdly in some spots. Try to use them to stitch together sentence structures instead of just adding a half-baked weird sentence thing at the end of a complete sentence. You're also using them in places where you don't need them. EX: "Montresor respected them, in a way." Some sentences become unnecessarily long-winded because of this.
• STOP CHANGING TENSES
• STOP CHANGING TENSES

the text gives me the impression that it was written during a couple of smaller bursts where you did not read what you had previously written before you continued to work on it. The whole thing could become remarkably better if you just proofread it more.

Mr. Chez. Meet me after class.

"alas"

calm doon shakespeare

Chezburger said:

i put 25% effort into this so it appears nice

Click to expand...

• make it more cohesive so people don't lose interest, perhaps add some dialogue that uncovers something that you haven't mentioned. give it an arc
• use less adjectives. being descriptive is good, but it loses its touch when you go over the top
• whatever situation you're imagining, put yourself in it. compare how your character is acting to how you would act in that situation. something that your tutor would be able to read and relate to

"the smell of rain and dew on the grass drove him insane" that smell you're on about is called petrichor, rephrase it to "the aroma of fresh petrichor after a heavy downpour" and it'll be a lot more impressive
good luck

better luck writing down panic at the disco lyrics m8