nebulous

very rarely having done anything productive during the day. all my friends have part-time jobs, starting driving lessons and have girlfriends etc etc and yet i still feel like the 14 year old aspie who just plays games all day and the only thing going for me is that im smart and very good academically.

i only have roughly over a year before i start uni yet i feel like i barely have my life in order, so i feel immense stress. when i started sixth form i was a mess of a human being who would profusely sweat whenever i would talk to someone who wasnt in my immediate friend group, especially if they were a girl. i've gotten a lot better at socialising, but still feel like i've got a long way to go.

a few years ago i would only ever get sad very, very occasionally and always thought suicide was something i would never, ever consider. now, after the end of each day i want to break down, and i see suicide as a comforting backup plan.

i never say my true feelings or thoughts, in fact i get very agitated whenever someone would drone on and on about their depression or other problems, yet i feel like i've spent too much time keeping my thoughts to myself and my profile right now is the only appropriate place to post this. i needed to vent, but i also need to put my foot down and start being more productive. enough is enough as they say.