[Grammar alert] Sorry.

[welcome to the Retirement]

I... I just want to apologize. For everything. For my terrible behavior, cringeworthy grammar and all the whining. I've been with this community since mid-14, and I had mixed feelings about it. Not because of the community being mean, but because of me raising my expectations too high. I've found my own best friend here. I.. I...
I did nothing. I want to apologize for my meaningless, pretentiousness and general worthlessness. I tried becoming something good even though I will never succeed. I tried putting my effort into the servers, tried becoming someone respected in the community. Aspire to folks like Dallas or Harry, but in reality I'm just an egotistical kid who deserves nothing. I put effort into disgusting or down things that nobody asked for and only end-up becoming disappointed in myself and thinking that I deserve better while I actually don't.
I try expressing my thoughts and feelings, but I always mess my text up and end-up writing awful things.
I am absolutely terrible at everything. I pretend as if I was good at something, but I'm not.
My grammar is bad. My attitude is bad. I can't even meme properly because of my overly-fragile character.
My characters are terrible, one-dimensional edgecraps and I no longer enjoy roleplaying despite not being able to stop. I can't abandon the community because of it becoming sense of my life. I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry for everything. I regret everything I did. Every pose I submitted, every forum reply I posted. Even this piece of text is oddly awkward

my grammar is falling and i want to say that i wish i had warwick's charisma or dallas' talent. i am such an awkward person that

i lack the effort, i lack it all
i am afraid of people. i take memes as insults.
i can't even find any difference between ironic memery and serious statements

i cant leave, but i am afraid. i seek friendship and love from many yet i ignore those humble souls that approach me

this is a rapid combination of thoughts coming from a drunk slavic kid. it is highly doubtful that any of you will glue all the pieces together


I am sorry. I'm very sorry.

@Zak, for being so annoying and overly-attached to you. For abusing your coding abilities and torturing you by constantly stating depressing things.

@Warwick for constantly annoying you and making very awkward unintentional insults and creepy jokes.

@RetroPirate1 for being so harsh with you and disrespecting you as a person.

@Peridot for abusing your helping hand.

@Dallas for constantly annoying you.

@Toasty for whining all the time.

@Blackquill for being so rude and arrogant with you just because you didn't like my ideas.

@Lemon Cuntcake for shit-talking you and lying to you. For my disbelief in you and my ignorance towards you.

@alex for being such an arrogant bastard, thinking than I myself am better than you. For thinking of you as of an asshole.

@Chicken for ignoring you.


And many more

This may sound like whining, but I just wanted you to know that behind every mean comment, dumb statement or an insult there is something else that I wanted to deliver, wanted to convey, but failed miserabely. And I am sorry for being such a pain in the ass.

Sorry.

 

[Dallas]

calm down mate, no one cares

 

[ruben slikk]

i think you shouldn't think of it too much, this is a roleplaying community and really not a lot of us deserve any kind of praise but i guess youre a good guy for admitting your wrong and apologising

when u annoy people or whine or shit talk or flame or whatever the fuck nobody really cares its the internet

 

[eldeos]

why are you badgering on about your grammar? want to know a secret? no one actually cares whether you use any or not

cool that youre saying sorry and shit, takes guts to admit to your faults but come on;

calm down mate, no one cares

 

[Warwick]

calm down mate, no one cares

leave it out mate if he can't vent on the internet about issues where the fuck can he vent

especially given we all know how depressed you must be when you shun and demean roleplayers while writing stories for them all day

 

[welcome to the Retirement]

The worst part of all this is that I pretend as if people actually cared just so that I can confirm to myself the fact that I exist. I shut my eyes and tell myself that people care. I lie to myself to feel better.

 

[Dallas]

leave it out mate if he can't vent on the internet about issues where the fuck can he vent

especially given we all know how depressed you must be when you shun and demean roleplayers while writing stories for them all day

i mean in the broader sense, no one cares on here how you feel about yourself - it's the internet, no one will read a big 'sorry' post because people forgive and forget

and i write solely for my own enjoyment lmao

 

[eldeos]

fucking hell dude

take a step back and reread what youre typing

 

[welcome to the Retirement]

even this shitty post is nothing but an attempt to grab people's attention and pretend like they care.

 

[ruben slikk]

The worst part of all this is that I pretend as if people actually cared just so that I can confirm to myself the fact that I exist. I shut my eyes and tell myself that people care. I lie to myself to feel better.

i really, really think you should take a step back and rethink, stop taking things so seriously.

 

[eldeos]

you have our attention but we dont care, happy?

 

[Dallas]

even this shitty post is nothing but an attempt to grab people's attention and pretend like they care.

try to talk to someone, hire a therapist, talk to a relative, don't be alone in this

this is not the place you'll find proper support

 

[Codfather]

you have our attention but we dont care, happy?

mate leave it the fuck out, you're not funny at all.

hoovie i understand where you're coming from, if you ever need to to talk about anything just add me on steam or w/e, i'm ere

 

[Hanuko]

it's okay, man.


hmu if you want to be my friend.

 

[welcome to the Retirement]

try to talk to someone, hire a therapist, talk to a relative, don't be alone in this

this is not the place you'll find proper support

I tried. That's why I came here. There is no use. And, again, can't really go out. Bombings. No therapists in town, since post-soviet areas tend to have poorly developed psychology-related faculties in universities, since in USSR there wwas no psychology, just psychiatry.

I'd not come to these fucking forums if I had somewhere else to go. I've learnt my lessons a long time ago, but I keep bashing my head against this wall, hoping to pass out one day.

I try ignoring the fact that I treat this fucking community like some sort of family replacement yet I embrace the fuck out of it.

 

[Dallas]

I tried. That's why I came here. There is no use. And, again, can't really go out. Bombings. No therapists in town, since post-soviet areas tend to have poorly developed psychology-related faculties in universities, since in USSR there wwas no psychology, just psychiatry.

then speak to friends and relatives, you may be surprised with how supportive they are

often we imagine that sadness or feeling sad is a core part of who we are, but that's not the case - our natural state, the state of infancy, is content happiness
learn to realize that sadness is just a thing that comes and goes, and that it is not an integral part of your personality

what i found helpful was expressing what i feel through writing, or expressing the total opposite sometimes, it has a positive effect

 

[wired]

hoovie dude,

first off, take a day or so away from the community to collect yourself.

step two, stop bashing yourself. It ain't healthy, and it looks bad.

step three, relax, life is too short to worry about a role-playing community

I doubt anyone here actually holds grudges against players, so a pity thread isn't what you need right now. Just get back on the horse and have fun.

 

[Grau]

to be completely honest, I really think you're a brilliant artist and look up to that

 

[welcome to the Retirement]

I have no friends IRL, and the only realitves I have are my 5 y.o. brother, mother and father. My brother is too small to talk to. My mother is overworking herself to at least provide us with food, and my dad only visits us once in a week or two and does not give a fuck at all.

I am afraid to go out. I had enough shrapnel / debris in my fucking leg already. I have nothing I can do about any of it, so I can't care as much as I wish I did. I can only care about virtual things.

I can't even leave the time, since the borders are completely blocked.

I wish I could care about something else, but I can't. I can't afford it, so I only care about the community.

 

[SoVastEndNow]

The worst part of all this is that I pretend as if people actually cared just so that I can confirm to myself the fact that I exist. I shut my eyes and tell myself that people care. I lie to myself to feel better.

even this shitty post is nothing but an attempt to grab people's attention and pretend like they care.

JESUS CHRIST DUDE!
Dont be so god damn hard on yourself, like damn.
I'm probably a way worse person than you and I love myeslf.

We like you, you're a great guy.
But to be honest, your constant negativity is what scares people away from ya'.

Just... Dont be too hard on yourself.
No one is perfect. Everyone has a hard time.

But being all pesimistic about it wont help.