me in the future with children Turns stereo on "Blo, blo, blo, blo, blo, blo, blo, blo Oh no Blo, blo, blo, blo Hot head." "DAD! TURN THAT OFF! I"M TRYING TO READ!" "YOU JUST DON"T UNDERSTAND THE ANGER THAT THEY ARE TRYING TO PORTRAY!" *shoves head in pillow and cry about past regrets "Blo, blo, blo, blo, blo, blo, blo Hot head, oh no Pedagogue grab the microphone, ease up" "Dad they're just a bunch of edgy dudes trying to act tough a-" *turns off stereo "Excuse me??! Clearly your idiotic childish mind cannot comprehend complex ideas and messages. Any entry-level music consumer with half a brain could see that they're clearly operating under irony; the extreme nature of their lyrics and public image is meant to subvert our expectations of how commercial hip hop should sound. You ignorant dirt child. I am ashamed to call you my offspring. Go to your room at once." kid goes upstairs turns on Punk Weight "'Cause I'm too high, too high Feel like I'm never ever Gonna come down Scale richtor punk weight Of dis sound!!!" meanwhile upstairs kid goes on computer"Well, better see what's going down on social media!" sees fashion posts "Wow, this is some interesting stuff!" . . . a few years later... kid is now grown up, and an aspiring fashion designer/model, premiering new design * *its literally just an old shirt with blue paint all over his body "Hey folks, how are y'all? This style is rocking the nation in 2050! In fashion catalogs! I thought fashion was dead, then I came up with this! I started putting on old, cheap clothes…what happened text shocked me! How to lookin wylin like Beyonce (old people joke) on the budget of Mac Demarco (dad rock joke)! I’m a liberal arts major who just graduated college, what job I didn’t find next probably didn’t shock you. I’m a liberal arts major who gets mad at my parents for telling me I should have gone into something more practical, what my parents say might strike you as reasonable! 28 ways you shock your parents, you won’t believe how true number 6 is (it’s about me choosing to get an associates degree in Meat Fabric Studies (the hot new liberal arts major.)) How to impress your parents in the 21st century by keeping a part time job for more than a week!" A few years later, and the kid is now an acclaimed fashion designer accepting a reward "Thank you everyone for your support. I'd like to thank my dad for being unkind and destructive towards me. Without his influence, my tortured soul would never have become a fashion desginer! In fact, I'm also here to announce the launch of my new fashion line! applause And now, a performance by one of my dad's favorite artists, Primus!" Primus ges on stage "HEY!!" Tommy the Cat starts playing "SAY BABY DO YA WANNA LAY DOWN BY ME SAY BABY DO YOU WANNA LAY DOWN BY M-" a coke from the audience hits Les Claypool in the head "OW! Now which one of you threw that coke at me?" Les Claypool immediately finds who hurt him and throws a 200mph fastcoke at their head "OW!" dies Now where were we, my dudes? Unfortunately for Claypool. That blow to the head did enough damage to deteriorate his health. This next segment is a documentary about Les Claypool’s best friend, former Nsync founder Chris Kirkpatrick. Chris approaches camera "Les, buddy…how are you doing? It’s me, your buddy Chris Kirkpatrick…you can come out from under the bed…" Les Claypool emerges from under the bed "I only have 3 months to live....." Chris: "AAAAHHHHHHH" At this point, the camera shakes and cuts off. satellite connection becomes fuzzy after a few seconds the satellite picks up the documentary channel, where we see Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Mark Wahlberg standing side by side "I’m Dwayne Johnson, and this is my best friend, lover, soulmate Mark. We met at a cheeseburger social for uneducated youths in the Pittsburgh area. We shook hands, talked some small talk…then fireworks happen. We hung out at the condo I used to live in on third street. It started out as any other night, then he complained about a small rash on his behind. This lead to me cleaning the rim of his asshole with the tip of my tongue. It took 2 hours to get that thing clean enough for me to eat out of. Which, I did. I sprayed Cheez Kool (I couldn’t afford Cheez Wiz because of my expensive condo) inside his colon and sucked the chocolate cheesecake out. Over that long (but it felt so short!) summer, we experimented so much. I gutted his taint hair completely off using but only my bottom teeth and my sheer swallowing power. He sucked the cum out of my penis so hard that the skin of my scrotum collapsed and conformed to the exact shape of my testicles. I felt like a craisin in the sun and had to refrain from sexual activities or urinating for three days. During that period of time, I shoved a cherry pepper in his ass and left it there for a week to ferment. Then, I used this newly Mark fermented pickled pepper in my chef salad.
We did plenty more…from urethra insertion to drunk blumpkins. But he had to return to his hometown of Santa Fe…and I vowed to always remember him. I’ll never forget the summer of ‘69.....
Hi, Hambone Henry here with Men Who Hate Meat, also known as The MWHM association for wayward divorcees! Hate meat? Hate your ex wife? Well, come on down to the giant chicken leg shaped building on 183 and Research B-
The man behind the steering wheel shuts off the radio.
“Aw man, screw the MWHM. I don’t need them anymore.” Dwayne Johnson smiles gleefully, looking out the windowEspecially since you’re back in town, Mark. This sphinck sphinck needs a good spring cleaning…and since you’re here….it’s April, baby. Where shall we meet?" Mark: "I’m actually at the farmers market right now, Dirty Dumpling…pickin up some cucumbers for my long delayed rocktal (rock’s rectal) dive. How about you meat, hehe…meet me here?" Dwayne: "Sounds good! Love you, my septic sweetie!" Mark: "yeah, yeah…you too." Mark turns around to ask a produce farmer a questionMark: "Hey, you guys got more of those jumbo size cukes you were selling last week?"
Farmer: “Actually, my son is at our farm across the street…let me call him for ya real fast.” he pulls out his phone "Mike, could you grab more of those extra large cucumbers while you’re there? Oh, just some beefcake. I think he’s going to be using them for anal play. Well, fuck Mike! I don’t care how they use them…if we give away our sweet vegetables that help with angina…and get the money in our hands I don’t care what hole are vaginas end up in. Maybe if you weren’t such a bigot, we’d be making a little more do-"
“Alright, alright alright! I’ll do it dad!”
His son, Ron, slams down the phone
(5 minutes later…Ron walks back to the farm.) "Hotter than that sweet twink uh-hot chick I screwed last week. Good grief. I can’t breathe in these clothes." Ron takes all of his clothing off, including his undergarments "Fudge it… it’s rural california. nobody is going to give a shi-oO about cussed-crap about me being naked. This gay hunk back at the farmers market will get a free show anyways…maybe he’ll take me home and rearrange my intestines for m- son of a bitch, Ron FUCK! Goddamn it I swore! This is how it’s going, huh? This is how it’s fucking going. I was a gotdamn Christian super straight porn star and now both of my cocksucki-pussy lickin holes need to be cleaned out with SOAP! I wasn’t raised to be a gay cusser!!! And to THINK! TO THINK!!! THAT I USED TO BE A-"
A car slams into Ron, decapitating him right on impact. A figure, panicked, jumps out of the car
Dwayne: "Lord have mercy….. those were the cucumbers I was going to buy!" SLAM!
R. L Stine, at a book signing somewhere, closes his copy of his new book that he was reading an excerpt of "Well, guess what, you dirty bottom-feeders? That’s the only fucking sneak peak you get. You guys make my old white ass travel all over The United States to give you JUST THE TIP of the beautifully massive hard member that is my goddamn masterpieces of books, and you guys don’t even give me a fucking nickel. I’m done shaking your hands. I’m done ear fucking you with my milky voice. I’m done signing your boo-somebody pushing a book towards him and he slams it down no fuck you stop it let my finish my goddamn sentence i’m done signing your fucking books. Get your copy of Two Powerbottoms Give California The Enema It Won’t Forget now and get out of my fucking face before I go ham on your asses." RL Stine stands up and walks away
AND DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING TO THE RED LOBSTER ON BURNET ROAD I’M farts fuck I’M DINING THERE PRIVATELY! Rented out the whole place for me and my son IT WILL BE VERY ENJOYABLE!"
