most dangerous SCP that ever lived. EVER

[Charlie]

Item #: SCP-999-J

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-999-J is currently uncontainable, but if anyone figures out how to contain the bastard they better fucking tell O5-█ right now. Seriously people ASAP.

Description: SCP-999-J is an overweight, Caucasian, balding male devoid of all clothing beyond that of a Speedo brand pair of swim briefs, henceforth to be referred to as SCP-999-J-1. SCP-999-J is capable of teleporting onto any bed, although it appears he prefers them to be occupied. He will lie there and breathe heavily with his mouth open until the subject awakens, at which point he'll look at the subject and then slowly reach his hand into SCP-999-J-1. SCP-999-J will then pull out some form of non-anomalous object, most commonly a can of Surge or a generic trading card.

SCP-999-J typically appears during periods of intense self-gratification, sleep, copulation between couples, and after urination.

Addendum 999-J-1: D-5638 was planted in a bedroom with a microphone attached. SCP-999-J appeared approximately 2 hours into D-5638's sleep cycle. The following audio was recorded: (see website for audio record)
http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-999-j

Addendum 999-J-2: Incident 999-J-5:

On ██/██/████, SCP-999-J teleported into the bedroom of a couple in the midst of sexual intercourse. He asked them to continue and offered to watch. SCP-999-J proceeded to spend nine minutes searching through 999-J-1. He found a lone cheeto and consumed it. SCP-999-J reported the cheeto to be slightly "chewy" in texture, but reassured the couple that he was accustomed, and partial to the taste.

SCP-999-J later expressed approval for specific actions performed by the subject couple on multiple occasions.

Addendum 999-J-3: Various reports of SCP-999-J

• ██/██/████: Ate a jar of pickles over a sleeping man for over 2 hours. When the subject woke up he dropped a pickle in his chest hair and proceeded to spend 4 minutes untangling it.
• ██/██/████: Appeared in bed while subject was watching television and pulled out a camcorder from SCP-999-J-1. SCP-999-J proceeded to record the television show. When asked why, SCP-999-J reported "it's cheaper this way".
• ██/██/████: SCP-999-J confirmed to have "sick air guitar skills", reports his favorite band is "Metallica".
• ██/██/████: Found crying. When questioned, SCP-999-J said, "Firefly is cancelled."
• ██/██/████: Asked SCP-105 out. Was rejected.
• ██/██/████: Removed SCP-999-J-1 in front of 12 year-old girl. Underneath was another instance of SCP-999-J-1.
• ██/██/████: Farted. Blamed the dog.
• ██/██/████: Observed engorging himself on over 10 instances of SCP-1162-J.

Addendum 999-J-4: SCP-999-J was confronted by Dr. ██████ over his claims of "being in a band":

SCP-999-J: I am too in a band.

Dr. ██████: Oh yeah, what's it called?

SCP-999-J: Darkness Dick Supreme.

Dr. ██████: That doesn't sound real.

SCP-999-J: Your mom doesn't sound real.

Addendum 999-J-5: What the fuck is this? - O5-█

 

[M3lon]

http://www.scp-wiki.net/dr-clef-s-proposal
this can fuck the shit up

 

[MaXenzie]

SCP 682 is literally immortal and hates all living life.

They're too scared to even nuke it.

 

[Gungeoneer]

'-J' indicates 'Joke' SCP's, incase anyone wants to know. Wanna know who's dangerous, though?

Spoiler: SCP-504

Item #: SCP-504

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: All seeds, plants, fruit, crossbreeds, and other products of SCP-504 are to be classified as SCP-504. SCP-504 seeds need no special containment, other than to prevent misuse by unauthorized personnel. Grown SCP-504 plants and their fruit should be kept in soundproof rooms. Guards and researchers assigned to maturing or growing SCP-504 are to be equipped with radio-enabled masks which insulate non-transmitted sound, and are to be instructed to avoid attempts at humor.

Description: SCP-504 is a species of tomato physically and genetically identical to that of the typical commercially-grown tomato. It was recovered in [REDACTED], Kentucky after a woman reported to the police that her farmer husband had been "murdered by his lunch". The Foundation is currently working to identify and destroy loose strains of SCP-504 in the surrounding commercial farming areas.

When a poor attempt at humor is made verbally within human hearing range of SCP-504's tomatoes, they instantly accelerate to a speed of at least 100 miles per hour (approx. 160 kilometers per hour, 45 meters per second) in the direction of the sound's source. Only mature tomatoes, separated from their vines and less than 10% rotted or chemically compromised, exhibit this effect once each. Tomatoes do not have to be physically intact, though ingested tomatoes are usually insulated enough from sound to prevent their effects before neutralization by stomach acid.

SCP-504 tomatoes seem to reach speeds relative to the inciting attempt at humor (see experiment log). Relevant variables seem to include corniness, humor-to-length ratio, and use of puns. Language appears irrelevant.

Note: Whoever snuck SCP-504 into the cafeteria kitchen is getting terminated. Those tomato slices are like fucking shuriken. - Dr. Blast

Log of tests with SCP-504:

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: D-504-1
Spoken: "Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamous?"
Result: No change in velocity.

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: D-504-1
Spoken: "What's an archeologist? Someone whose career is in ruins."
Result: Tomato clocked at 124 mph. Subject suffered a broken nose.

Notes: It appears that SCP-504 has a certain "taste" in jokes. This might indicate sapience. I hope not. - Dr. Blast

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: D-504-2
Spoken: "Three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him… and says, Catch up."
Result: Tomato clocked at 264 mph. Subject rendered unconscious.

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: D-504-3
Spoken: "So, I was going to bed, and my brother told me, 'Goodnight! Don't let the bedbugs stick their proboscis in your skin and suck your blood!'" *pause* "Good luck on a healthy dermis!"
Result: Two-second pause before activity. Tomato clocked at [REDACTED]. Sound barrier broken. Subject killed.

Item: Three mature SCP-504 tomatoes, each from a different crossbreed
Subject: D-504-4
Spoken: "If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity."
Result: All three tomatoes clocked at exactly 145 mph. Subject injured, two teeth dislodged.

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato, split into quarters
Subject: D-504-5
Spoken: "I tried to walk into Target, but I missed."
Result: All 4 pieces clocked at 212 mph. Subject severely injured, right eye destroyed by piece of tomato.

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: CD player playing "Harmful If Swallowed" (2003, Dane Cook)
Result: At [REDACTED], tomato clocked 167 mph. CD player destroyed.

Notes: It works with recordings? Dammit. Didn't even have to deal with Class-Ds in the first place. - Dr. Blast

Item: Three mature SCP-504 tomatoes, one for each test subject.
Subject: After the introduction to the following news item, Bomb blows hole in Lenin statue, the three following jokes were made.

Test Subject 1: Ooh, that's gonna leave a Marx.
Result: Tomato number one 'twitched', but did not displace from its original location.

Test Subject 2: BBC is just Stalin the good news.
Result: Tomato clocked at 152 mph. Chipped tooth and hairline jaw fracture.

Test Subject 3: That blows.
Result: Tomato clocked at [REDACTED]. Subject is hospitalized with a massive skull fracture.

Notes: I thought we'd just established that recordings work in place of live subjects! I know how much you guys hate the Class-Ds, especially D-504-012 (poor guy might not even recover before termination rolls around), but I'm making it clear that whoever oversaw this round of testing is getting a serious reprimand. The same goes for whoever leaked its video logs to the staff. - Dr. Blast

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: Television playing the SNL Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton skit.
Result: Tomato reacted as if 'confused': slow-motion video shows three separate bursts of speeds in excess of 200mph, two incidences of motion at normal throwing speeds, and one unprecedented instance of backward motion, all in the one trajectory. Dr. King hypothesises that the tomato was unsure whether or not to 'take it seriously'.

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: A portable computer playing a pre-recorded engineering joke.
Transcript: "2009 is going to be a complex year. We already know the real part; we still have to find the imaginary part".
Result: Supersonic blast detected; computer was completely vaporized by the tomato's kinetic energy. Sensor readings indicate an approximate speed of 3500 km/h (2174 mph).

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: A portable computer playing a partial audio recording of the Monty Python sketch "The Funniest Joke in the World".
Transcript: "Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"
Result: Tomato explodes. Debris clocked at 137 mph. Computer heavily coated by debris. Keyboard ruined by exposure to liquid matter - all other components proved functional after cleanup.

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: A portable computer playing the text of SCP-904
Result: [DATA EXPUNGED]

Note: Whoever snuck SCP-504 into the cafeteria kitchen is getting terminated. Those tomato slices are like fucking shuriken. - Dr. Blast

[This is not a joke SCP……]

 

[Khaatamul Nasheed]

http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-106

old man who can teleport through walls and captures you to his pocket dimension where he tortures you for eternity.


here is a quote from a man who got captured but somehow escaped (it is possible to escape but very unlikely)

He took a right at the end of the hall, passing down another, then a left, starting to move faster, ignoring the odd, corroded twists of pipe and wire in some of the rooms he'd passed, or the suggestive, soggy mounds of…something. The crying kept getting louder, the high-pitched, gurgling wail of a baby. Ignore it, keep moving. It called the shots, it could make the whole place sound like a dentist's drill if it wanted. Drak pounded down a hall, nearly at a dead run, trying not to see the growing dampness of the walls, the changing texture of things. Broken plaster over old, greenish bricks, floor going from broken vinyl, to concrete, to dirt.

He turned a corner, too fast, a gooey patch of black causing his foot to skitter, nearly dropping him to his knees as he clutched the bare, wet brick wall. He looked out in the the dim, mossy room, the sound of helpless, angry crying very, very loud now. He froze, staring, half-crouched and clutching the wall. It was standing in the middle of the room, a thick, ankle deep puddle of black jelly at its feet. The old man was turning, slowly, rocking in slow, side-to side motions. The crying was coming from the thing in his arms.

It was a torso, wrapped in masses of what looked like barbed wire. The wire threaded in and out of flesh, some places looking like the bleeding skin had flowed like warm taffy over it. The ragged remains of the limbs twisted and stretched, every movement making the wires dig and tear more. It was hairless, the skin of its bare head and neck looking peeled and rotten, the face a mask of pain. The throat had been…opened, carefully, twisted and held with wires. The baby crying was in fact this grown, mute torso, mutilated to make that pitiful, helpless wail.


meaning whatever the old man does to you, you dont die, all you feel is pain

 

[MaXenzie]

http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-106

old man who can teleport through walls and captures you to his pocket dimension where he tortures you for eternity.


here is a quote from a man who got captured but somehow escaped (it is possible to escape but very unlikely)

He took a right at the end of the hall, passing down another, then a left, starting to move faster, ignoring the odd, corroded twists of pipe and wire in some of the rooms he'd passed, or the suggestive, soggy mounds of…something. The crying kept getting louder, the high-pitched, gurgling wail of a baby. Ignore it, keep moving. It called the shots, it could make the whole place sound like a dentist's drill if it wanted. Drak pounded down a hall, nearly at a dead run, trying not to see the growing dampness of the walls, the changing texture of things. Broken plaster over old, greenish bricks, floor going from broken vinyl, to concrete, to dirt.

He turned a corner, too fast, a gooey patch of black causing his foot to skitter, nearly dropping him to his knees as he clutched the bare, wet brick wall. He looked out in the the dim, mossy room, the sound of helpless, angry crying very, very loud now. He froze, staring, half-crouched and clutching the wall. It was standing in the middle of the room, a thick, ankle deep puddle of black jelly at its feet. The old man was turning, slowly, rocking in slow, side-to side motions. The crying was coming from the thing in his arms.

It was a torso, wrapped in masses of what looked like barbed wire. The wire threaded in and out of flesh, some places looking like the bleeding skin had flowed like warm taffy over it. The ragged remains of the limbs twisted and stretched, every movement making the wires dig and tear more. It was hairless, the skin of its bare head and neck looking peeled and rotten, the face a mask of pain. The throat had been…opened, carefully, twisted and held with wires. The baby crying was in fact this grown, mute torso, mutilated to make that pitiful, helpless wail.


meaning whatever the old man does to you, you dont die, all you feel is pain

Actually he does kill you.

His touch is fucking corrosive, if he touched you, you'd begin to melt, don't bullshit.

Here's a door he walked through

Here's a person that they recovered from his Pocket Dimension.

And as stated on the info:
Agent █████, after "release" by SCP-106. Subject had been missing for two hours. Subject remained alive for one hour after release.
[doublepost=1487095230][/doublepost]

http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-106

old man who can teleport through walls and captures you to his pocket dimension where he tortures you for eternity.


here is a quote from a man who got captured but somehow escaped (it is possible to escape but very unlikely)

He took a right at the end of the hall, passing down another, then a left, starting to move faster, ignoring the odd, corroded twists of pipe and wire in some of the rooms he'd passed, or the suggestive, soggy mounds of…something. The crying kept getting louder, the high-pitched, gurgling wail of a baby. Ignore it, keep moving. It called the shots, it could make the whole place sound like a dentist's drill if it wanted. Drak pounded down a hall, nearly at a dead run, trying not to see the growing dampness of the walls, the changing texture of things. Broken plaster over old, greenish bricks, floor going from broken vinyl, to concrete, to dirt.

He turned a corner, too fast, a gooey patch of black causing his foot to skitter, nearly dropping him to his knees as he clutched the bare, wet brick wall. He looked out in the the dim, mossy room, the sound of helpless, angry crying very, very loud now. He froze, staring, half-crouched and clutching the wall. It was standing in the middle of the room, a thick, ankle deep puddle of black jelly at its feet. The old man was turning, slowly, rocking in slow, side-to side motions. The crying was coming from the thing in his arms.

It was a torso, wrapped in masses of what looked like barbed wire. The wire threaded in and out of flesh, some places looking like the bleeding skin had flowed like warm taffy over it. The ragged remains of the limbs twisted and stretched, every movement making the wires dig and tear more. It was hairless, the skin of its bare head and neck looking peeled and rotten, the face a mask of pain. The throat had been…opened, carefully, twisted and held with wires. The baby crying was in fact this grown, mute torso, mutilated to make that pitiful, helpless wail.


meaning whatever the old man does to you, you dont die, all you feel is pain

In fact, if you actually read that story, which is the SCP equivilent of Fan Fiction, (Unless that story was written by the creator of SCP 106 himself) and there's no reason to trust it, you'd actually see that the torso is fucking dead. He's carved up a torso in a way that the air passing through it sounds like a baby's wail. A torso on its own cannot be alive.

 

[Khaatamul Nasheed]

Actually he does kill you.

His touch is fucking corrosive, if he touched you, you'd begin to melt, don't bullshit.

Here's a door he walked through

Here's a person that they recovered from his Pocket Dimension.

And as stated on the info:
Agent █████, after "release" by SCP-106. Subject had been missing for two hours. Subject remained alive for one hour after release.

im talking about if you are inside the dimension. his effects ware off if he throws you out and gets tired of you, and you die. there is a tale where they find out that after you die, you can feel your soul in pain for eternity. some guy died and was brought back to life by the O5, and told them about it, and could not handle the fear of death and jumped into the old mans pocket dimension so he could not die

 

[MaXenzie]

im talking about if you are inside the dimension. his effects ware off if he throws you out and gets tired of you, and you die. there is a tale where they find out that after you die, you can feel your soul in pain for eternity. some guy died and was brought back to life by the O5, and told them about it, and could not handle the fear of death and jumped into the old mans pocket dimension so he could not die

Tales aren't considered canon by default.

 

[Khaatamul Nasheed]

Tales aren't considered canon by default.

yes they are?
also you said the body was not alive it was as it was kept alive by his pocket dimension. so really i was a ban wrapped in barbed wire all the way down to his throat, and his screams sounded like a babys wail.

 

[MaXenzie]

Tales aren't considered canon by default.

In fact, there is no Canon.

The creators of the SCP website say nothing and everything is Canon on the Canon Hub.

SCP 106 is a wizard.

You can't say he's not, because as stated here:

If I believe it, it's Canon to me.

 

[Khaatamul Nasheed]

In fact, there is no Canon.

The creators of the SCP website say nothing and everything is Canon on the Canon Hub.

SCP 106 is a wizard.

You can't say he's not, because as stated here:

If I believe it, it's Canon to me.

SCP is not a wizard. Where are you getting that from. Canon is decided by the community and the community has decided victems in his pocket dimension can not die as hinted

 

[MaXenzie]

SCP is not a wizard. Where are you getting that from. Canon is decided by the community and the community has decided victems in his pocket dimension can not die as hinted

The community literally says there is no Canon.

Brb getting evidence that you haven't shown

Rank 3:

Site Admin:

Karma Guru (Highest Rank)

Top Admin:

Top Admin:

So that settles it.

The community (And staff) Of the SCP Foundation confirm that there is no Canon, and nothing (And everything) is true.

Suck. On. That.

 

[Oxy[Morons]]

wait is scp something serious outside of gmod
I thought it was only that shit game mode

 

[Khaatamul Nasheed]

wait is scp something serious outside of gmod
I thought it was only that shit game mode

Yeah, its serious. Read up on some of the stuff we have linked.

 

[Expax]

but can they kill the emperor?

 

[Khaatamul Nasheed]

but can they kill the emperor?

 

[Deleted member 377]

MOST DANGEROUS SCP:
NEBULOUS.CLOUD

ftfy

 

[Expax]

your memes are not funny and unoriginal
i had genuine question

 

[LykosNychi]

666 1/2-j

 

[Trains]

youre a bunch of nreds

RetroPirate1

:wink: