Tarannus

big mistake

uh oh

T-Minus 10 Minutes!

https://steamuserimages-a.akamaihd.net/ugc/1660101375281446981/161813339940029A13456C5107FD6B2EE65CA331/

Thats a car alright

On the plus side, it was all done online and it was delivered right to my house!

You're a big part of neb Tar, you might not realise it but you are :)

I know it's temporary, thanks to malfunctioning neurochemical pathways, but I can't see a way out. I don't feel like my voice or my opinions matter. At this point, all I want to do is just fade away, since I'm no longer a relevant part of history.

Just make your own history that matters to you don't give up!! we're here for you if you need any help <3

Thank you all for your support yesterday. I sat down and had a mini intervention with my sister, and a friend of mine who's a psychologist at the lab. Things are looking a little better, and all of you helped. I can't thank you enough.

-Tar

I appreciate the compliment. I wish I posted more outside of these episodes of mania. When I get into a manic headspace, it's partially because I feel my value as a person has been stripped away for some reason. This has become a larger and more domineering part of my mindset since 2010.

The posts are, in some measure, that I have, however small, some relevance and worth as a person.

we all love you a lot tarannus <3

Thanks Aether! I should have included some additional citation links for those posts. I'd rather argue on specific points and policies than ephemeral or emotionally-charged concepts, since diving into those weeds really gets nowhere.

tarannus, i genuinely can't conceptualize the shit youre going through, but i will say this - you've always handled your shit and your profile page is filled with proof of that. whatever's got you feeling bad today, i have no doubt that you'll be better sooner or later.

love, ark

I hope so. I seriously hope so.

The gravity of a Supreme Court ruling to repeal the ACA would be finanicially ruinous for my family. My Dad's impending perscription bills - should he lose his insurance due to his preexisting conditions - cost $62,000/month.

Note that's /only/ his perscriptions, and doesn't include mandatory biweekly hospital visits to the tune of an additional $20,000/month.

And there aren't any insurers worth their actuaries who would ever insure my parents due to their medical history. They'd never see a positive return on investment, so why bother?

They're too young for Medicare, and the burden of his treatment has been declared not "onerous" enough to qualify for Medicaid. They would effectively lose everything, surrendering control of their assets, to qualify for any subsidies.

And now I'm worried about their financial situation, as well as a ton of other issues with federal employees and loyalty tests possibly impacting research at the lab.
GOD DAMN IT I JUST WANT TO SLEEP. I CAN'T SLEEP.

They absolutely are. They make you write your own goals, then make you write your own evaluation. Afterwards, your managers review that and adjust your salary accordingly.

That's absolutely insane.

Who the hell would genuinely impose such a practice? No one would write things 100% truthfully. It just sounds like it was instituted to give management reason to fire people because "you didn't write X up or you misled the report."

welcome to america
where malpractice and distrust is tradition

I miss it too, but hopefully it'll be back soon once I pass some stressful bits over the next month.

I hope you and your dad are doing okay Tarannus

Numbers, you just made my entire weekend. Thank you!

like I can never enjoy certain stuff anymore because of my lingering thought in the back of my head: "are my teeth resilliant enough to withstand it?" Especially sesame or salt

i wanna be a shark with 8 sets of teeth

@Nov - I wouldn't be too concerned if you're comparing my dental health to yours. The last 17 months have been a stream of maintenance procedures. The end result from a decade of neglect resulting from poor diet and barely living above the US federal poverty line.

Sounds like shit advice but you'll need to just push on through and overcome it. Only person that can really make you stronger is yourself, once you've done that you'll have much higher confidence in yourself to overcome tough times in the future.

listen to music if you feel like shit

it helps me alot

start heading to the gym if they're open, the best thing you'll ever do for yourself

At this point, it'll be miraculous if I make it out of this year intact. I can't stand knowing that these events are pushing me into a locked cycle of paranoia and hopelessness.

I wish I knew if I've made an actual difference. That I've mattered. That my voice and opinions mean something. Nothing I seem to say ever seems to change anything, and people I know from my hometown would revel in seeing me in this state.

I want to feel that the future will be okay, but I'm afraid that my generation is giving you a fundamentally broken world.

breaks?
psycho mantis?

More often than not, it's a rapidly spreading paranoia combined with existential dread. I assign my self worth as a person to the success of people and organizations who are emotionally dear to me, which is where a lot of this manifests. From normality to suicidal or other non-linear thinking is very quick for me: 8 hours at most in some cases if the stressors, like the news, are bad enough.

I wish my psychoses had more identifiable physical items. The hallucinations I have are surprisingly benign, like my phone getting bombarded with bad news texts.