welcome to shrike's english class
- you're using too many adjectives and adverbs to describe things that do not need the description to fill their narrative function. EX: "Rain gently pattered against the cobblestone streets outside where Montresor walker, his shoes squelching lightly in the water as he hurriedly paced forward". I would say that no adverb or adjective except hurriedly is needed in this sentence, mainly cause it reinforces the later statement "Montresor hated rain". You've also used adjectives and adverbs that don't mix together in the narrative at all, he walks hurriedly but his feet are only squelching the rain lightly? It's a minor inconsistency but it's noticeable.
- you are mixing in language that is gives off a weird image of what you're trying to get the text to be. One sentence you're giving a very casual explanation of the main character's experience and thoughts on rain, then suddenly it takes on a very poetic sort of tone, using alas and metaphors in a way you haven't done before in the text. This could work out better if you eased into it and or sectioned it so that the reader can make the distinction between different phases of the text.
- you're using commas weirdly in some spots. Try to use them to stitch together sentence structures instead of just adding a half-baked weird sentence thing at the end of a complete sentence. You're also using them in places where you don't need them. EX: "Montresor respected them, in a way." Some sentences become unnecessarily long-winded because of this.
- STOP CHANGING TENSES
- STOP CHANGING TENSES
the text gives me the impression that it was written during a couple of smaller bursts where you did not read what you had previously written before you continued to work on it. The whole thing could become remarkably better if you just proofread it more.
Mr. Chez. Meet me after class.