So I sorta fucked up today by accidentally taking my medication in the morning by pure instinct when I should’ve taken them at night. Due to the “anti” depressants actually doing the complete opposite and acting as depressants to my entire brain, causing me to loose all emotion entirely.
Another thing I’ve remember unfortunately, but something I’d thought to share here as a sorts of documentation or further look into sort of how I can feel, but it is quite strange.
Whenever I’m depressed, or really in general. I seem to be like a war addict. Like a soldier who’s seen so much war it actually seems like their job and they just want to keep doing it even though they may be perfectly fine and safe stateside. Like normally the picture inside of my brain that comes to mind whenever I try and distinguish or do anything about it is usually this.
The absolute definition of hell itself. And even though I’ve never been to war. I’ve always felt like I have. Like I’ve killed many many people and seen unspeakable actions. And even now I’ve actually seen so much fucking death and destruction I’ve become desensitized to it. And it actually frightens me.
Like a couple weeks ago I was out with a couple friends, we came across a simple dear carcass while we were out walking that had been hit by a car, all my friends who were avid hunters themselves even were gagging and trying not to throw up. And I felt really weird and just not human because the smell didn’t bother me at all, not even staring at all its organs and all the maggots just feasting away. Like I said before I don’t scare easily but seeing myself like that was fucking frightening. I don’t know if I’m like slowly turning into a fucking psycho or like the next Ed Gain and it terrifies me. I don’t wanna be used to death and carnage. I wanna be human again. I don’t want my brain to be filled with images and visions of my own corpse in a mass grave, or the corpses of my parents of friends. Or see my fucking mother step on a mine and just turn into a fine mist... I can’t even fucking cry for fuck sakes, what’s wrong with me?