Serious Medical/Mental Illness. Or a general well being thread

D

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I’m still working on getting past it myself. Not a very easy journey at all. What I tend to do is just look at all the scars I’ve already got and tell myself before I think about doing it, “This hurts my friends and family more then it hurts me.”
This is the key right here to keep going at it man, If not for yourself you do it for the people that care for you.
 

Clokr

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This is the key right here to keep going at it man, If not for yourself you do it for the people that care for you.
In my mind always has sort of been the thought of, “If not for me, then others.” Only times I can remember when that thought wasn’t there was when I was so broken, so engulfed by darkness that I’ve sat in literal darkness curled up in a ball with a muzzle of a pistol pointed at the roof of my mouth. I’m so thankful that those times have passed now. And I do now actually have to look to others so I don’t go back there. My absolute biggest mistake, ever. Has to be isolating myself from everything and everyone. Human interaction, wether just verbal or physical if lucky. Is required for a human, because if not they will eventually break like a twig and just fizzle out from minds and existence entirely. I’ll never forget about those people, and even if I don’t know them I’ll remember them for as long as my brain still has oxygen. And even now the absolute hardest thing isn’t dealing with those intrusive thoughts. It’s the realization that I don’t have a partner, someone I can “merge” with if you will. The warmth of a fellow human being is all I want now. And as weird and sad as that might sound. It’s the absolute truth. I’m really hard to scare, and become afraid due to my conditioning in life. But the fear of never having a partner is something that I’ll never be able to describe in words, ever. Having someone to stand with you, fight with you and for you is the best fucking feeling ever. And id literally do anything just to have that person by my side.
 
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Sil

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with regards to self harm, back before I did it I always had the impression that it was just someone cutting themself.
you know, the classic razor to the wrist deal, or maybe cutting their thighs to make it more concealed.

but, only after i finally stopped, i realised that self harm can take on many different forms. for me, it was either punching things until my hands went numb or just hitting stuff. dragging my hands against brick walls, arms too so they're just scratched but not fully bleeding.

same goes for the rubber band on the wrist. although it was originally given to me to relieve stress and the sort, i used it so much that it became a little problem of its own as i just kept going 'flick' with it over and over again. it's all very strange when you're an outsider, as you tend to get a general perception for how things are meant to be. it clouds your mind to how other people 'cope' or are afflicted.

half of the time it was self-loathing and a constant feeling of being less than others, trying to be better but never succeeding. the other times were when i simply couldn't figure a proper way of expressing emotions. hell, even to this day when i get properly angry the only way i can adequately calm down is either by hitting something or just shouting very loudly. the breathing thing doesnt really work, as it just makes me feel like the emotion was pushed away and ignored, which is something that's a problem with people like me.

i'm sort of better now, with different (but overall less-impacting) problems to deal with, but at least i'm not putting myself at risk anymore from it.
 
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D

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In my mind always has sort of been the thought of, “If not for me, then others.” Only times I can remember when that thought wasn’t there was when I was so broken, so engulfed by darkness that I’ve sat in literal darkness curled up in a ball with a muzzle of a pistol pointed at the roof of my mouth. I’m so thankful that those times have passed now. And I do now actually have to look to others so I don’t go back there. My absolute biggest mistake, ever. Has to be isolating myself from everything and everyone. Human interaction, wether just verbal or physical if lucky. Is required for a human, because if not they will eventually break like a twig and just fizzle out from minds and existence entirely. I’ll never forget about those people, and even if I don’t know them I’ll remember them for as long as my brain still has oxygen. And even now the absolute hardest thing isn’t dealing with those intrusive thoughts. It’s the realization that I don’t have a partner, someone I can “merge” with if you will. The warmth of a fellow human being is all I want now. And as weird and sad as that might sound. It’s the absolute truth. I’m really hard to scare, and become afraid due to my conditioning in life. But the fear of never having a partner is something that I’ll never be able to describe in words, ever. Having someone to stand with you, fight with you and for you is the best fucking feeling ever. And id literally do anything just to have that person by my side.
We all definitely need those people that keep us going, I've never really been suicidal but if I didn't have people in my life like my brother I probably wouldn't have as much willpower to keep going. I've always figured though that if I ever got that close to the edge then I'd much rather just find some war somewhere on the map and try have an exiting death, but maybe that's just me. We all do need people and social interaction, though I'd also warn against becoming too worried about seeking validation and depending on other people emotionally as that's something which has fucked me up enough, I consider it a real strength to be able to just be content with yourself and whilst you may have good friends and a partner or such you never really need them.
 

Jaf

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Reading the forums I feel like a lot of people can probably identify with this, definitely helped me understand myself better.
 
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Clokr

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So I sorta fucked up today by accidentally taking my medication in the morning by pure instinct when I should’ve taken them at night. Due to the “anti” depressants actually doing the complete opposite and acting as depressants to my entire brain, causing me to loose all emotion entirely.

Another thing I’ve remember unfortunately, but something I’d thought to share here as a sorts of documentation or further look into sort of how I can feel, but it is quite strange.

Whenever I’m depressed, or really in general. I seem to be like a war addict. Like a soldier who’s seen so much war it actually seems like their job and they just want to keep doing it even though they may be perfectly fine and safe stateside. Like normally the picture inside of my brain that comes to mind whenever I try and distinguish or do anything about it is usually this.
Passchendaele%20Battlefield%20complete%20Cover%20image%20version%203%20crop.jpg

The absolute definition of hell itself. And even though I’ve never been to war. I’ve always felt like I have. Like I’ve killed many many people and seen unspeakable actions. And even now I’ve actually seen so much fucking death and destruction I’ve become desensitized to it. And it actually frightens me.

Like a couple weeks ago I was out with a couple friends, we came across a simple dear carcass while we were out walking that had been hit by a car, all my friends who were avid hunters themselves even were gagging and trying not to throw up. And I felt really weird and just not human because the smell didn’t bother me at all, not even staring at all its organs and all the maggots just feasting away. Like I said before I don’t scare easily but seeing myself like that was fucking frightening. I don’t know if I’m like slowly turning into a fucking psycho or like the next Ed Gain and it terrifies me. I don’t wanna be used to death and carnage. I wanna be human again. I don’t want my brain to be filled with images and visions of my own corpse in a mass grave, or the corpses of my parents of friends. Or see my fucking mother step on a mine and just turn into a fine mist... I can’t even fucking cry for fuck sakes, what’s wrong with me?
 

Trains

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So I sorta fucked up today by accidentally taking my medication in the morning by pure instinct when I should’ve taken them at night. Due to the “anti” depressants actually doing the complete opposite and acting as depressants to my entire brain, causing me to loose all emotion entirely.

Another thing I’ve remember unfortunately, but something I’d thought to share here as a sorts of documentation or further look into sort of how I can feel, but it is quite strange.

Whenever I’m depressed, or really in general. I seem to be like a war addict. Like a soldier who’s seen so much war it actually seems like their job and they just want to keep doing it even though they may be perfectly fine and safe stateside. Like normally the picture inside of my brain that comes to mind whenever I try and distinguish or do anything about it is usually this.
Passchendaele%20Battlefield%20complete%20Cover%20image%20version%203%20crop.jpg

The absolute definition of hell itself. And even though I’ve never been to war. I’ve always felt like I have. Like I’ve killed many many people and seen unspeakable actions. And even now I’ve actually seen so much fucking death and destruction I’ve become desensitized to it. And it actually frightens me.

Like a couple weeks ago I was out with a couple friends, we came across a simple dear carcass while we were out walking that had been hit by a car, all my friends who were avid hunters themselves even were gagging and trying not to throw up. And I felt really weird and just not human because the smell didn’t bother me at all, not even staring at all its organs and all the maggots just feasting away. Like I said before I don’t scare easily but seeing myself like that was fucking frightening. I don’t know if I’m like slowly turning into a fucking psycho or like the next Ed Gain and it terrifies me. I don’t wanna be used to death and carnage. I wanna be human again. I don’t want my brain to be filled with images and visions of my own corpse in a mass grave, or the corpses of my parents of friends. Or see my fucking mother step on a mine and just turn into a fine mist... I can’t even fucking cry for fuck sakes, what’s wrong with me?
sounds like intrusive thoughts to me friendo, its natural, everyone gets it

and being unable to cry isn’t a weird thing. i know a lot of people including myself that haven’t been able to cry in situations where you really kinda should. i’m not sure why it is but it definitely doesn’t make you a psychopath.

you’re a good guy, man. i feel like sometimes brains don’t exactly process emotions properly so we’re left in a situation where we think we should be feeling something but we just don’t. i might also be talking out my ass
but there’s nothing to worry about
 
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Clokr

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sounds like intrusive thoughts to me friendo, its natural, everyone gets it

and being unable to cry isn’t a weird thing. i know a lot of people including myself that haven’t been able to cry in situations where you really kinda should. i’m not sure why it is but it definitely doesn’t make you a psychopath.

you’re a good guy, man. i feel like sometimes brains don’t exactly process emotions properly so we’re left in a situation where we think we should be feeling something but we just don’t. i might also be talking out my ass
but there’s nothing to worry about
You’re right. And you’re making proper sense to me now even. And I can barely type or form sentences because that’s how god damn loud they are. It’s literally like I’m trying to scream out but I’m so frozen in fear absolutely nothing is coming out.
 
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Trains

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You’re right. And you’re making proper sense to me now even. And I can barely type or form sentences because that’s how god damn loud they are. It’s literally like I’m trying to scream out but I’m so frozen in fear absolutely nothing is coming out.
it’s scary in the moment but the important thing to remember is that it will pass

you’ll pull through, friend. you got this, we believe in you
i believe in you
 
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Clokr

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Well fuck me it just seems things are just getting worse here.

I actually somehow just fucking realized I haven’t gotten a “good” nights rest in a really fucking long time. Like even since before I like finished school or anything. I actually thought it was completely normal to wake up after only having like 5 hours of rest automatically and feel like complete shit. But I guess that isn’t normal.

Bags are really starting to form under my eyes. I find myself having to have a cup of the strongest coffee I could buy every couple hours just to manage myself. And I’m starting to feel it mentally and emotionally. And no matter what I do I can’t get a good fucking nights sleep.

God I really fuckin hate this...
 

Ibarra

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Well fuck me it just seems things are just getting worse here.

I actually somehow just fucking realized I haven’t gotten a “good” nights rest in a really fucking long time. Like even since before I like finished school or anything. I actually thought it was completely normal to wake up after only having like 5 hours of rest automatically and feel like complete shit. But I guess that isn’t normal.

Bags are really starting to form under my eyes. I find myself having to have a cup of the strongest coffee I could buy every couple hours just to manage myself. And I’m starting to feel it mentally and emotionally. And no matter what I do I can’t get a good fucking nights sleep.

God I really fuckin hate this...

Not sure if you've tried going out and getting melatonin gummies/tablets to help with that. It's what I need to take now so I can get even somewhat decent sleep. But I can relate, before I started taking them I'd get terrible sleep every night, couldn't fall asleep or it would take a while/excessive tossing and turning and never being comfortable.

As far as my story, been depressed ever since high school really, truancy problems, suicidal thoughts, the works. I was dangerously stubborn and the night before the clock hit 12 for my 17th birthday, I wanted to cut myself with a knife but I never did it, got sent to a ward after calling the hotline on myself and was more focused on getting out of there rather than actually opening up to the person helping me. I just couldn't really do it cause there just wasn't a natural connection (might sound corny, but that's just how I see it.) — That was a while back, as of now, I'm pretty okay-ish but I still have my times where I don't feel content with myself or really happy.

With the end of my most recent relationship because my needs weren't really being met to a degree and I just didn't feel happy with where it was going, can't say it made me better but it definitely exhausted me mentally. I'm also apart of the gang where you can't cry even though it feels like you should, so been there. I just try to appreciate everyone where I can, also for someone like me who is pretty timid, mostly extrovert-introverted and just generally find myself having a hard time fitting into anything, it's a challenge.

Never thought anything would help me, wouldn't find a job anywhere, would be out scrounging for scraps later down in my life. So it was definitely a lot for me to handle. Trying to make whatever small amount of friends I can at any rate, hopefully one can manage to keep doing so.

As my ending statement here, hope you're able to get some good sleep, Clokr.
 
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Clokr

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Not sure if you've tried going out and getting melatonin gummies/tablets to help with that. It's what I need to take now so I can get even somewhat decent sleep. But I can relate, before I started taking them I'd get terrible sleep every night, couldn't fall asleep or it would take a while/excessive tossing and turning and never being comfortable.

As far as my story, been depressed ever since high school really, truancy problems, suicidal thoughts, the works. I was dangerously stubborn and the night before the clock hit 12 for my 17th birthday, I wanted to cut myself with a knife but I never did it, got sent to a ward after calling the hotline on myself and was more focused on getting out of there rather than actually opening up to the person helping me. I just couldn't really do it cause there just wasn't a natural connection (might sound corny, but that's just how I see it.) — That was a while back, as of now, I'm pretty okay-ish but I still have my times where I don't feel content with myself or really happy.

With the end of my most recent relationship because my needs weren't really being met to a degree and I just didn't feel happy with where it was going, can't say it made me better but it definitely exhausted me mentally. I'm also apart of the gang where you can't cry even though it feels like you should, so been there. I just try to appreciate everyone where I can, also for someone like me who is pretty timid, mostly extrovert-introverted and just generally find myself having a hard time fitting into anything, it's a challenge.

Never thought anything would help me, wouldn't find a job anywhere, would be out scrounging for scraps later down in my life. So it was definitely a lot for me to handle. Trying to make whatever small amount of friends I can at any rate, hopefully one can manage to keep doing so.

As my ending statement here, hope you're able to get some good sleep, Clokr.
I really do appreciate your words man. And even though I absolutely fucking hate seeing others suffer, it is defientely good to know there’s plenty who share the same as you and someone you can relate with.

But there is something I’ve been doin a load of research on and something I’m going to do myself. And something I can encourage you as well. But it depends on which state you’re in wether it’s available or even legal. And that of course is medical herb.

I’ve been doing CBD for a bit now. Tried literally everything available. Gummies, vapors, tinctures, solvents, and straight up just smoking the flower itself. And while I’ve gotten some nice results so far from the smoking the plant part. I’m looking to advance into the actual shit again. I used to smoke a lot to help with anxiety and that honestly did really help me. Where literally anything and everything else wouldn’t. That would. There’s just something there that does it’s damn job finally. Tabbo or not, give a shot at getting your card and trying some. Because I’ve got good hopes for this new road.
 
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the last man

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Well fuck me it just seems things are just getting worse here.

I actually somehow just fucking realized I haven’t gotten a “good” nights rest in a really fucking long time. Like even since before I like finished school or anything. I actually thought it was completely normal to wake up after only having like 5 hours of rest automatically and feel like complete shit. But I guess that isn’t normal.

Bags are really starting to form under my eyes. I find myself having to have a cup of the strongest coffee I could buy every couple hours just to manage myself. And I’m starting to feel it mentally and emotionally. And no matter what I do I can’t get a good fucking nights sleep.

God I really fuckin hate this...
try finding some absolute obligation that forces you to wake up early every day, whatever that may be. You'll be tired as fuck but eventually you'll start passing out at night and you will be strong-armed into sleeping.
 
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Anything tips on getting motivated on working out? Not fat or anything, just looking to get healthy.
Ever wake up and feel so full of energy that you can pump put 50 push ups and 100 sit ups, and idk lift a bit. Then the next day you don't feel like doing anything.
 

spalius

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Anything tips on getting motivated on working out? Not fat or anything, just looking to get healthy.
Ever wake up and feel so full of energy that you can pump put 50 push ups and 100 sit ups, and idk lift a bit. Then the next day you don't feel like doing anything.
Definitely happens, my friend.

You shouldn't care too much about such days. Care about the days when you work out, and not the ones when you don't.

As for motivation, set a goal that you want to complete. Do 100 pushups, 200 sit ups, whatever works for you. Work for that goal.

That's what I do myself. I am mainly a runner, and the motivation of working out enough to run my first half marathon in a few months is all that it takes.
 
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Definitely happens, my friend.

You shouldn't care too much about such days. Care about the days when you work out, and not the ones when you don't.

As for motivation, set a goal that you want to complete. Do 100 pushups, 200 sit ups, whatever works for you. Work for that goal.

That's what I do myself. I am mainly a runner, and the motivation of working out enough to run my first half marathon in a few months is all that it takes.
Going to sound nerdy, but I have set up a system as of the past week, where anytime a game gets a loading screen I drop and do 10-20 push ups.
Whatever I can before it loads.

PS: Do not try this while playing total war warhammer 2.
 
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Ibarra

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Had a wave of sadness hit me while I was at work today. Dad was showing his coworker how to cut through this sheet of material cause we were tasked with soundproofing and while the coworker got to cut, I didn't. Solely showed me how to measure and where to mark the points, while I learned something, I wanna actually do the work. So eventually I ended up having a conversation in my head where my supervisor would come up and ask me: "Are you learning?"

My response: "Well, yeah, but not really. I wanna actually do the work and not just be shown, it's how I'll process it better. I just feel like a burden to them and everyone here." Even though it's only my sixth day, I basically spent the last hour of work walking around them while they were up on a scissor lift while my face flushed after a bit and my eyes were getting watery.

Only ended up doing something around the end with these pins because the supervisor came back and told my Dad to let me do something with them because he didn't want the boss in the company to find me up there doing nothing. Sucks. And a general feeling is that I can never be creative which later makes me feel like I can't be good at anything.

Just one of those days.
 
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Clokr

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Had a wave of sadness hit me while I was at work today. Dad was showing his coworker how to cut through this sheet of material cause we were tasked with soundproofing and while the coworker got to cut, I didn't. Solely showed me how to measure and where to mark the points, while I learned something, I wanna actually do the work. So eventually I ended up having a conversation in my head where my supervisor would come up and ask me: "Are you learning?"

My response: "Well, yeah, but not really. I wanna actually do the work and not just be shown, it's how I'll process it better. I just feel like a burden to them and everyone here." Even though it's only my sixth day, I basically spent the last hour of work walking around them while they were up on a scissor lift while my face flushed after a bit and my eyes were getting watery.

Only ended up doing something around the end with these pins because the supervisor came back and told my Dad to let me do something with them because he didn't want the boss in the company to find me up there doing nothing. Sucks. And a general feeling is that I can never be creative which later makes me feel like I can't be good at anything.

Just one of those days.
What you just said is scarily accurate and relatable to me. I often remember during my schooling days I became close pals with one of my very down to earth teachers. Who was in charge of what we call STEM. Basically it means all this hands on stuff we do. And I was actually so good at his class and so encouraged that I’d say when we’d have free time to stay in his class and help him with things. I’d even stay during class itself to help at times.

But it sucked because I never really got to show others and help them. Basically I was just told to keep my head down and do things. Which I’ve nothing against and it helped me stay happy and nose deep in things. I wished I was able to actually go around and help others, show them things. And do things that he had taught me face to face when there weren’t any others around.

But I can say this though. You will, eventually. Be able to do what you want to, and you likely won’t notice at first if you’re very focused like I was. But you’ll see afterwards that you just did EXACTLY what you wanted to do. Like near the end of my schooling career I actually became what people could call a “foreman” for the lesser years. Doing everything I was taught alongside the teacher himself to help and just make everything a friendlier place.

Just keep your head held high my friend. And never look down at yourself. Because your time WILL come, just look forward to it.
 
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