There's a lot of stuff I do unintentionally and out of habit that makes me dislike myself and to some extent probably doesn't help me make any friends . Others call out some of these unintentional things, ride me for it, I end up in private on the side of the people ridiculing me and hating myself even more because i see them as being the only honest people with meWhatsup pal?
You're not at all a bad guy, Snowl. You just make impulsive and silly decisions sometimes is all.There's a lot of stuff I do unintentionally and out of habit that makes me dislike myself and to some extent probably doesn't help me make any friends . Others call out some of these unintentional things, ride me for it, I end up in private on the side of the people ridiculing me and hating myself even more because i see them as being the only honest people with me
On top of it all I don't see much I'm looking forward to anymore, I feel fully alienated from others in a way that's not their fault at all but my own, I just generally don't feel like I have any ideas or places or people I belong to and with, I could vanish from any given space tommorow and the most that would happen is an acquaintance might wonder in the back of their head where that dude went but beyond that nothing
I'm in essence a drifter by compulsion, I stay to the margins because I'm not wanted elsewhere, or at least I view it that way and it fullfils itself
I do yeah. God it sucks feeling alone 24/7 and just being by yourself, feels like that even when I'm with the few friends I've got left. I'd like there to be a point in time where if someone is asked if they were friends with me or knew me intimately or anything along those lines they'd say so and have fond memories of me, at this rate it's unlikely. Would just be ridiculeYou're not at all a bad guy, Snowl. You just make impulsive and silly decisions sometimes is all.
It's better to vent all these things out rather letting it knaw at you. Even if it's on a Internet Forum.I do yeah. God it sucks feeling alone 24/7 and just being by yourself, feels like that even when I'm with the few friends I've got left. I'd like there to be a point in time where if someone is asked if they were friends with me or knew me intimately or anything along those lines they'd say so and have fond memories of me, at this rate it's unlikely. Would just be ridicule
Don't have much a lot of you guys have and don't realize, things like siblings who want to speak to you/acknowledge you exist, cohesive family units where you do gatherings, have family members who care about you (cousins, grandparents etc) and vice versa, stupid social shit, your health, buddies who check up on you and want you involved in their lives, all of it. Don't take it for granted.
Sorry for dump, don't journal things I usually let it pressure cook in my head for weeks then sometimes just stream of consciousness it to a random audience in text, feels like how I imagine confessional booths are
I do yeah. God it sucks feeling alone 24/7 and just being by yourself, feels like that even when I'm with the few friends I've got left. I'd like there to be a point in time where if someone is asked if they were friends with me or knew me intimately or anything along those lines they'd say so and have fond memories of me, at this rate it's unlikely. Would just be ridicule
Don't have much a lot of you guys have and don't realize, things like siblings who want to speak to you/acknowledge you exist, cohesive family units where you do gatherings, have family members who care about you (cousins, grandparents etc) and vice versa, stupid social shit, your health, buddies who check up on you and want you involved in their lives, all of it. Don't take it for granted.
Sorry for dump, don't journal things I usually let it pressure cook in my head for weeks then sometimes just stream of consciousness it to a random audience in text, feels like how I imagine confessional booths are
By no means am I doing this to try and grab sympathy, attention, or boost my ego. I am doing this because I feel like people need to see it. With anyone having trouble with things that aren’t exactly visible. Like most commonly depression and anxiety.
situation went from an L to a W real quickI know I usually post my 5 a.m. borderline mental breakdown rants on here but I thought I'd share a good day I had which is kinda rare nowadays
Went to school, kinda was shitty but whatever was gonna meet up after it to eat a burrito with my friends at a mexican place
The burrito was so fucking good dude can't describe it its amazing and we got some complementary rice pudding and lemonade cause its cinco de mayo
Walked around and there were like two public concerts going on so we stood around and listened to some music
Got suddenly hit by a depressive wave or whatever so I sorta shut down, start heading home with my friend cause we share the same route but on opposite sides, she decided to head with me and then go back to the opposite side but when I reached my stop I just decided to do a full loop and come back around to have a bit more time to talk a bit more about random shit
Reach the end and get kicked off by the bus driver cause hes supposed to head back to the depot, next bus is in an hour. Fuck.
Whatever I'll wait, my friend decides to join me while doing so, like 15-20 minutes in a girl thats like a few years older than us walks up and calls a cab, overhears us and straight up says: "I'm having a shitty day, just come with me so I can like do something good I'll drop you off since I fucking hate this route and curse it and I've had to deal with it for years."
Initially denied but she was adamant so whatever, friend says goodbye and taxi arrives and we get in. She was really nice, was apparantley she's finishing up college where she was studying graphics design, she knows how shitty is to be without money and have to wait hours for a fucking bus so she decided to help out after she heard us.
Just kinda talked for a bit, refused anything I offered (not like I had much I had 30 denars on me which is the equivalent of 50 US cents lmao), she told me "Let me do something good and help, let's just help eachother it's the least we could do as people."
I get off and we part ways, those words stuck with me a lot. I turned the corner and decided to just pay it forward in some way and gave the cash to a panhandler, spoke with him for a bit about the situation, it was nice, hope it helped him in some way not like I had much use for it.
Feel really bad that I won't be able to repay her, I really wish I could properly thank her, never even exchanged names and I'll prob never see her again, but I hope everything fucking works out for her she's genuinely one of the nicest people I've met, you know when you talk to someone and your day's just instantly better? It was kinda like that
Hey man, I think you're cool. You're a smart guy who's got a knack for making awesome events; being different from the rest doesn't make you any less. If you ever just wanna chat shit into the void, you can message me any time my dude :)Feel the loneliest I've felt in my entire life. Don't have anyone I can talk to or play games with or laugh at things with. Just feel like an outsider to everything, don't know where it went wrong. Have nowhere to express myself anymore. No one to listen or relate to. Tried everything but something about me is flawed and no one can tolerate me. I can't either. Wish I still had friends.
I know the feeling. It fucking sucks.Feel the loneliest I've felt in my entire life. Don't have anyone I can talk to or play games with or laugh at things with. Just feel like an outsider to everything, don't know where it went wrong. Have nowhere to express myself anymore. No one to listen or relate to. Tried everything but something about me is flawed and no one can tolerate me. I can't either. Wish I still had friends.
open your discord to friend requests rqFeel the loneliest I've felt in my entire life. Don't have anyone I can talk to or play games with or laugh at things with. Just feel like an outsider to everything, don't know where it went wrong. Have nowhere to express myself anymore. No one to listen or relate to. Tried everything but something about me is flawed and no one can tolerate me. I can't either. Wish I still had friends.