Serious Medical/Mental Illness. Or a general well being thread

[Zeenz]

Hi, it's been a while since I've posted here, things have gotten worse although I'd say I'm still fine

I think that my minds actually starting to melt down or something


It's getting harder and harder to do anything. This past week I've almost missed my morning bus every day cause I couldn't be bothered to drag my ass out of bed until the last possible second. I've been putting off all my work (and I actually quit the editing side job I was doing), in fact im like a week behind a deadline for a project I need to finish to graduate, and unlike the internal panic I'd usually feel in similar situations its sort of best described as apathy. Same thing with school in general, was a pretty good student during the first half of this year and its slowly been degrading since, I've fucked up my grades in a few subjects that I worked pretty hard to attain, and like I said I've been putting off almost all of my work, and again it isnt the panic, sadness or anger I'd usually feel but just kinda apathy.

A few days ago I made a pretty big online order and the company fucked it up, instead of getting angry I again couldn't really care even though a bunch of money I'd saved up for years was on the line, I mean I got it after talking with support but even typing this out I'm not really angry, just kinda apathetic to the whole situation.

Even when I got what I ordered I was kinda indifferent to recieving it even though its a pretty huge deal, same shit happened with other gifts or stuff I've gotten, it didn't really affect me. Doesn't have to be physical, applies to both praise and criticism that I've gotten. I've not really gotten any 'genuine' enjoyment out of anything for a while either, I just sit around all day now

I'm not saying this to be thought of as a "cool dude" like "aw man look at him he's so cool he doesn't care woaah", in fact its pretty fucking worrying to me cause I'm kinda afraid that I'll ruin my life and regret it


I mean I don't mean to worry anyone with that last sentence, I'm not really even looking for a reply- Speaking of which I'm gonna go on a bit of a tangent here

Don't know if it applies to anyone else but I feel as though who I am is truest to me on this forum, at least in closeness to my internal dialogue (if that makes sense). I wonder why, it's probably the anonymity, since nobody knows who I actually am (at least I hope). And I'm kinda glad that you don't, since I like that nobody has to respond, or care like people do in real life, you can just sort of scream into the abyss here, and I don't want anyone to care, again sometimes you just kinda need to do that. I definitely couldn't talk about any of this shit to anyone in real life, I'd freeze up.

Speaking of which, was talking to a friend a few days ago, they kinda noticed something was going up and prodded, even though I wanted to talk about it I just couldn't, I guess it kinda ties in to the last paragraph, I don't really want people to worry or care about me, I know people have got their own shit to worry about so I don't wanna burden them with my crap, on the contrary though I love listening to other peoples problems and helping them, it's weird.

To again tie into my last paragraph, they kinda ghosted me, said we'd talk the day after and they never bothered, maybe I could've said what I wanted to, maybe I wouldn't have, who knows, but it still kinda stings that they didn't. Although that's a theme that I've begun to notice more and more. Don't know if anyone shares this experience, but does nobody ever talk to you if you don't initiate? If I didn't start talking with anyone I bet I could go a month without hearing anything from anyone, in fact I've been doing that since a few days ago and have gotten nothing from anyone. I've done it a few times unintentionally when I get sucked into something specific and then snap out of that hyper-focus in a few days and realize that wow, has nobody even thought of me?

Speaking of that friend, they've kinda ditched me and our friend group (that's practically been dead for a while). They're nterested in a guy and it's been going well and I'm happy for them but at the same time its like we don't exist anymore, they straight up said last week that they don't really wanna hang out with us. It stung, but I appreciate the honesty though I guess lmao. For reference I'd consider them my closest friend, weirdly enough I was opening up more to them, the most I've done with anyone probably but it feels like after the last time we hung out its just sort of faded into nothing


This kinda lead me through a whole short-lived paranoia loop where I genuinely thought that pretty much everyone I counted as my friend had, for some odd reason, decided to completely abandon me. It was weird since I think of myself as a pretty rational person, and thinking back fuck yeah it is weird but I wonder why my brain decided to do that.

The thing is though the only constant in all my relationships with everyone has been me, so the problem has to be with me right? I try to initiate more with people, and they can't meet up or are busy, I try to back off for a bit and nobody even bothers trying to talk to me. Don't know if its a coincidence or what but it's really fucking with me.

I had pretty horrible social skills pre-covid (which, seeing as I have over 10k messages on a roleplaying forum isn't a surprise to many) but covid's practically destroyed them, even if I wanted to make some new friends I don't know how, new kid in my class has practically gotten closer to my friends (again, I'd say they are more acquaintances, read the previous paragraph) than I have in less than a fucking month even though I've known them for 4 years.

It really fucks with you, it sucks. It melts your fucking brain, it makes you paranoid, you begin to wonder if you're acting properly, if its what you say or think, or how you look, or what you're interested in, its tiring, its exhausting. I consider myself a pretty fucking normal dude but I've got to be doing something wrong, and for years, I for some fucking reason cannot figure out why.

It's not that I'm not self-aware, I'd say I am, like I know I'm not the most "normal" person but I'm definitely not socially inept to not be able to pick up on social cueues or be unable to hold a conversation. But it still fucks with you, its maddening, it shoves you back into that loop of "or am I? Am I really that weird and inept? I can't be if I think I am, or am I?"

It's hard to describe


Looking back through this post I realize that I am in fact, very lonely, I don't think I've ever had anyone that wants to hang out with me one on one, or decides to call me up or randomly text me to tell me something they're excited about, or to just talk. Anyone that I'd consider to be a best friend or some shit, it's all practically just been acquaintances or distant friends, unless its someone obligated to talk to me through ties, like a family member.

Even if I have good days at times when I walk home for those few minutes where I'm alone with my thoughts with nothing to occupy them, I genuinely feel anger or like screaming (frustration I guess is the word) for some fucking reason, sometimes its better, sometimes its worse, but it always happens.


I think I'm self-aware enough, but with posts like these there's always that feeling deep down of "oh you're doing this for attention, or for pity" and it fucks with you on another degree cause it makes it harder to post these, and then you cringe the day after and every time someone replies to it, and I hope I didn't come off as some edgy dumbass or loser or some shit

anyways that's it, I don't even know what I was trying to say and it's probably all word salad

You saying shit here makes you brave man. Shit I can’t do. I like to write it down then burn it, that or drink ( rum ). But try to reach out. I spoke to frent once about how a mate of mine said some concerning stuff to me in a dm then deleted their socials and phone number. I don’t even know if they are alive and that shir is eating me alive. I guess what I’m saying is speak to someone or something hall my dms are open man

 

[Mute]

You saying shit here makes you brave man. Shit I can’t do. I like to write it down then burn it, that or drink ( rum ). But try to reach out. I spoke to frent once about how a mate of mine said some concerning stuff to me in a dm then deleted their socials and phone number. I don’t even know if they are alive and that shir is eating me alive. I guess what I’m saying is speak to someone or something hall my dms are open man

I do that as well, I've written more posts that I've deleted than I've actually posted here, sometimes I spend an hour or two writing stuff only to delete it, and I usually regret posting it but whatever- I guess these posts serve the same purpose of burning that shit

DMs don't offer me any closure no offense, but again like I said I don't really want people worrying about me, nor is there any real 'connection' for me, nor do I want any further connection with people here, again it feels out of obligation, like talking to those online therapy bots, but I appreciate the gesture. I hope your pals doing fine wherever they are

 

[Zeenz]

I do that as well, I've written more posts that I've deleted than I've actually posted here, sometimes I spend an hour or two writing stuff only to delete it, and I usually regret posting it but whatever- I guess these posts serve the same purpose of burning that shit

DMs don't offer me any closure no offense, but again like I said I don't really want people worrying about me, nor is there any real 'connection' for me, nor do I want any further connection with people here, again it feels out of obligation, like talking to those online therapy bots, but I appreciate the gesture. I hope your pals doing fine wherever they are

I suggest kind words on steam and 7 cups on your phone. I also hope they are doing ok.
[doublepost=1646352963][/doublepost]Snip

 

[Trains]

It's getting harder and harder to do anything. This past week I've almost missed my morning bus every day cause I couldn't be bothered to drag my ass out of bed until the last possible second. I've been putting off all my work (and I actually quit the editing side job I was doing), in fact im like a week behind a deadline for a project I need to finish to graduate, and unlike the internal panic I'd usually feel in similar situations its sort of best described as apathy. Same thing with school in general, was a pretty good student during the first half of this year and its slowly been degrading since, I've fucked up my grades in a few subjects that I worked pretty hard to attain, and like I said I've been putting off almost all of my work, and again it isnt the panic, sadness or anger I'd usually feel but just kinda apathy.

A few days ago I made a pretty big online order and the company fucked it up, instead of getting angry I again couldn't really care even though a bunch of money I'd saved up for years was on the line, I mean I got it after talking with support but even typing this out I'm not really angry, just kinda apathetic to the whole situation.

Even when I got what I ordered I was kinda indifferent to recieving it even though its a pretty huge deal, same shit happened with other gifts or stuff I've gotten, it didn't really affect me. Doesn't have to be physical, applies to both praise and criticism that I've gotten. I've not really gotten any 'genuine' enjoyment out of anything for a while either, I just sit around all day now

how did you put this shit into words so well holy damn

i'd give some supportive words but im kinda there myself rn on this part, but for the latter part of your post, all i can say is to keep going man. things do genuinely improve over time as you meet new people etc but it's hard to see that when you're stuck in a shit spot

would post more because it's not like i have nothing to say, but i dont wanna get too deep tonight on the nebulous cloud gaming forum. i have faith you'll be alright bigman, ik you said it doesn't help much but either way feel free to dm me if you wanna rant about shit like this bc you're a good guy

 

[Andrew]

Hi, it's been a while since I've posted here, things have gotten worse although I'd say I'm still fine

I think that my minds actually starting to melt down or something


It's getting harder and harder to do anything. This past week I've almost missed my morning bus every day cause I couldn't be bothered to drag my ass out of bed until the last possible second. I've been putting off all my work (and I actually quit the editing side job I was doing), in fact im like a week behind a deadline for a project I need to finish to graduate, and unlike the internal panic I'd usually feel in similar situations its sort of best described as apathy. Same thing with school in general, was a pretty good student during the first half of this year and its slowly been degrading since, I've fucked up my grades in a few subjects that I worked pretty hard to attain, and like I said I've been putting off almost all of my work, and again it isnt the panic, sadness or anger I'd usually feel but just kinda apathy.

might just be getting older, i've seen people hold apathy over stuff they were pretty much over in life
usually happens for people with school, and since they're younger it extends to other things they do
hit a point after getting into the high school i wanted to i stopped trying entirely from year one, pretty much just did what was expected but no homework

A few days ago I made a pretty big online order and the company fucked it up, instead of getting angry I again couldn't really care even though a bunch of money I'd saved up for years was on the line, I mean I got it after talking with support but even typing this out I'm not really angry, just kinda apathetic to the whole situation.

also me

I'm not saying this to be thought of as a "cool dude" like "aw man look at him he's so cool he doesn't care woaah", in fact its pretty fucking worrying to me cause I'm kinda afraid that I'll ruin my life and regret it

big thing here is that you realize you feel it, it's the same as realizing you're in the loop of short dopamine rushes
realizing it means you can throw it off to the side when you feel it
biggest thing to avoid is playing games when you're supposed to work or shaving off the feeling by testing making changes in your life and sticking with what works
i took on a regular exercise routine and quickly realized how much better my aim was in a videogame and how much calmer i was/able to enjoy things more, and all i started doing was laps up and down my residential street at night (daytime can really tear your stamina apart)
also get regular sunlight, that apathy goes away really quick when you get the recommended fifteen or take supplements. i'm far older though so you still have to deal with the developing brain part

Don't know if it applies to anyone else but I feel as though who I am is truest to me on this forum, at least in closeness to my internal dialogue (if that makes sense). I wonder why, it's probably the anonymity, since nobody knows who I actually am (at least I hope). And I'm kinda glad that you don't, since I like that nobody has to respond, or care like people do in real life, you can just sort of scream into the abyss here, and I don't want anyone to care, again sometimes you just kinda need to do that. I definitely couldn't talk about any of this shit to anyone in real life, I'd freeze up.

Speaking of which, was talking to a friend a few days ago, they kinda noticed something was going up and prodded, even though I wanted to talk about it I just couldn't, I guess it kinda ties in to the last paragraph, I don't really want people to worry or care about me, I know people have got their own shit to worry about so I don't wanna burden them with my crap, on the contrary though I love listening to other peoples problems and helping them, it's weird.

To again tie into my last paragraph, they kinda ghosted me, said we'd talk the day after and they never bothered, maybe I could've said what I wanted to, maybe I wouldn't have, who knows, but it still kinda stings that they didn't. Although that's a theme that I've begun to notice more and more. Don't know if anyone shares this experience, but does nobody ever talk to you if you don't initiate? If I didn't start talking with anyone I bet I could go a month without hearing anything from anyone, in fact I've been doing that since a few days ago and have gotten nothing from anyone. I've done it a few times unintentionally when I get sucked into something specific and then snap out of that hyper-focus in a few days and realize that wow, has nobody even thought of me?

Speaking of that friend, they've kinda ditched me and our friend group (that's practically been dead for a while). They're interested in a guy and it's been going well and I'm happy for them but at the same time its like we don't exist anymore, they straight up said last week that they don't really wanna hang out with us. It stung, but I appreciate the honesty though I guess lmao. For reference I'd consider them my closest friend, weirdly enough I was opening up more to them, the most I've done with anyone probably but it feels like after the last time we hung out its just sort of faded into nothing

biggest issue with the information age is the flow of time can feel distorted to a lot of people in terms of how long it's been since you've spoken with someone, it really doubles up on the human brain especially if your primary form of socialization is the internet
colour me a bad person for saying it, but since you're a guy, you have the ability to just drop into conversations with friends and take off like it hasn't been x amount of days/months - i've twice before met people playing games, made friends, and stopped speaking with them on a regular basis for upwards of months at a time only to rejoin the voice chat and continue like nothing's changed.
the feeling you have, the anxiety, the minor paranoia is because you're likely afraid of being rejected or them ignoring you, but you should work on it over time. eventually you can work it over and hit the point where you feel it and shake it off yourself. gotta build that confidence.

also barely anyone talks to me without an initiation but i'm really not worried about it because i can still hold a conversation well and speak with people, that's the important part
and don't feel too shamed if someone you knew ghosts you, sometimes people aren't long-term friends. it stinks but it happens

The thing is though the only constant in all my relationships with everyone has been me, so the problem has to be with me right?

chuckled at this, the constant in all your relationships is YOU because they're YOUR relationships, sexy

I had pretty horrible social skills pre-covid (which, seeing as I have over 10k messages on a roleplaying forum isn't a surprise to many) but covid's practically destroyed them, even if I wanted to make some new friends I don't know how

It really fucks with you, it sucks. It melts your fucking brain, it makes you paranoid, you begin to wonder if you're acting properly, if its what you say or think, or how you look, or what you're interested in, its tiring, its exhausting. I consider myself a pretty fucking normal dude but I've got to be doing something wrong, and for years, I for some fucking reason cannot figure out why.

It's not that I'm not self-aware, I'd say I am, like I know I'm not the most "normal" person but I'm definitely not socially inept to not be able to pick up on social cues or be unable to hold a conversation. But it still fucks with you, its maddening, it shoves you back into that loop of "or am I? Am I really that weird and inept? I can't be if I think I am, or am I?"

luckily you live in the age where it's ridiculously easy to work on these skills, anonymously or not
despite all its memes VRchat is pretty solid for just walking into a room and joining someone in a five-minute conversation, it's stupid but it works. definitely had some solid times on it just going to bar rooms or the usual high-pop spots and just fiddling around with people.
DarkRP is also the ever-permanent option, as absolutely stupid as it sounds. There's no replacement for it, and i doubt vrchat will hold a candle to it.
of course, both require the effort of still finding things - and even then, not every room will have conversation peoples. that's why i like to call people sexy to break the ice, or just outright do some things that would make zuckerberg very not happy to the people using those leathered-up anime avatars

Looking back through this post I realize that I am in fact, very lonely, I don't think I've ever had anyone that wants to hang out with me one on one, or decides to call me up or randomly text me to tell me something they're excited about, or to just talk. Anyone that I'd consider to be a best friend or some shit, it's all practically just been acquaintances or distant friends, unless its someone obligated to talk to me through ties, like a family member.

Even if I have good days at times when I walk home for those few minutes where I'm alone with my thoughts with nothing to occupy them, I genuinely feel anger or like screaming (frustration I guess is the word) for some fucking reason, sometimes its better, sometimes its worse, but it always happens.

probably time to make one, however the frustration/anger can come from a lot of places, especially at your age
it ain't easy, because finding a genuine good friend always takes a while. even in the modern day, how many times do people add people as friends only to never, ever play with them again? 14 years on steam and i still have friends added i made in 2009 i haven't spoken with

finding a friend's always a difficult task, and it really isn't a replacement to surround yourself with stuff like acquaintances to fill the void. can't offer much help in the ways of finding one, as i don't know you well enough or the area you live in.

I think I'm self-aware enough, but with posts like these there's always that feeling deep down of "oh you're doing this for attention, or for pity" and it fucks with you on another degree cause it makes it harder to post these, and then you cringe the day after and every time someone replies to it, and I hope I didn't come off as some edgy dumbass or loser or some shit

anyways that's it, I don't even know what I was trying to say and it's probably all word salad

tasty salad
also a regular way to feel when you talk about oneself, it's not at all uncommon to feel like you're stealing the limelight to just talk about yourself or the problems you face
also, self-awareness is incredibly important to life, you'll figure out how to dial it back so you don't overthink stuff as you get older. it's what separates you from the npc's you might deal with in life.

anyways check out this image

 

[avralwobniar]

Speaking of which, was talking to a friend a few days ago, they kinda noticed something was going up and prodded, even though I wanted to talk about it I just couldn't, I guess it kinda ties in to the last paragraph, I don't really want people to worry or care about me, I know people have got their own shit to worry about so I don't wanna burden them with my crap, on the contrary though I love listening to other peoples problems and helping them, it's weird.

To again tie into my last paragraph, they kinda ghosted me, said we'd talk the day after and they never bothered, maybe I could've said what I wanted to, maybe I wouldn't have, who knows, but it still kinda stings that they didn't. Although that's a theme that I've begun to notice more and more. Don't know if anyone shares this experience, but does nobody ever talk to you if you don't initiate? If I didn't start talking with anyone I bet I could go a month without hearing anything from anyone, in fact I've been doing that since a few days ago and have gotten nothing from anyone. I've done it a few times unintentionally when I get sucked into something specific and then snap out of that hyper-focus in a few days and realize that wow, has nobody even thought of me?

I recently realized this with my group of online friends i've been chillin with since I was in middle school (im now 24). it must have been for the past couple years or so that I was the only person that was able (or wanted) to get the boys together for a board game or D&D or something. I decided recently that I'd stop being the one that has to push for everyone to do something together and the whole group collapsed fairly quickly. our discord is a shell of what it once was, and there's barely a message drop on it these days. since I hadn't talked to any of them for months, I decided to outright leave the discord and only one person bothered to keep up communication.

in hindsight, basically anytime I had suggested something to do over the past couple years, if one person didn't want to do it then nobody would - the second I said no to doing something then it was suddenly treated as if I never played games with them (which was true, because they also said no to everything). I feel relieved that i've noticed it now, and i've started doing things with other strangers n shit whenever i'm on (see further).

I had pretty horrible social skills pre-covid (which, seeing as I have over 10k messages on a roleplaying forum isn't a surprise to many) but covid's practically destroyed them, even if I wanted to make some new friends I don't know how, new kid in my class has practically gotten closer to my friends (again, I'd say they are more acquaintances, read the previous paragraph) than I have in less than a fucking month even though I've known them for 4 years.

It really fucks with you, it sucks. It melts your fucking brain, it makes you paranoid, you begin to wonder if you're acting properly, if its what you say or think, or how you look, or what you're interested in, its tiring, its exhausting. I consider myself a pretty fucking normal dude but I've got to be doing something wrong, and for years, I for some fucking reason cannot figure out why.

It's not that I'm not self-aware, I'd say I am, like I know I'm not the most "normal" person but I'm definitely not socially inept to not be able to pick up on social cues or be unable to hold a conversation. But it still fucks with you, its maddening, it shoves you back into that loop of "or am I? Am I really that weird and inept? I can't be if I think I am, or am I?"

when I worked at amazon I was able to hold conversations with my co-workers very well, and we got along. I didn't become friends with any of them, despite talking to them just about every single day. I think it's my interests and what words I use in conversation that leads people to get closer with others, since a lot of people i've talked to very recently are heavily invested in social media culture, whereas I don't maintain anything online for the most part. I have no idea what the fuck anyones saying most of the time, it's like another language. so, despite being able to chat up people fine, we don't connect as well as i'd want to. I don't think it's a problem that's going to go away, unfortunately

the odd thing is, when I do make friends I find that I don't really want to keep up with everything that comes with it. it probably sounds really selfish but i'd rather not have to help with their problems, seek them out to actually do something and so on. it's the same reason I don't plan to have kids, and am very apprehensive about dating again

it's definitely just a part of getting older where meeting new people and keeping friends becomes more of a challenge. if you look at any set of parents you'll quickly realize that their friends are just whatever they could get. my parents are friends with a guy that holds onto some pretty racist ideals, but at this point it's either that guy, the anti-vax mom down the road or the crackhouse.

if I had to give a suggestion, I would find a random outlet online that fills your interests. I like racing on my logitech wheel and D&D, so I joined a racing league and run/play a few D&D games every week - a lot of the people from there have become what I would say are my friends. we don't really hang out or talk about many things like life, our problems, family etc etc. sometimes we'll spout out a quick discord convo or something, but that's all I really need to fulfill me socially for the time. it gives me something to look forward to on set days, so there's not much opportunity for anything to drag me down. I think your interests very much define a good portion of who you are, and people that share similar tastes as me usually behave pretty similar or want a similar kind of friendship without directly expressing it

this was definitely word salad but the tldr is basically you're not the only one, do what you wanna do, dont worry about other fellas. kinda just gotta say fuck it and go for it, the embarrassment that comes from shitty conversations with strangers wears off eventually

 

[john]

Hi, it's been a while since I've posted here, things have gotten worse although I'd say I'm still fine

I think that my minds actually starting to melt down or something


It's getting harder and harder to do anything. This past week I've almost missed my morning bus every day cause I couldn't be bothered to drag my ass out of bed until the last possible second. I've been putting off all my work (and I actually quit the editing side job I was doing), in fact im like a week behind a deadline for a project I need to finish to graduate, and unlike the internal panic I'd usually feel in similar situations its sort of best described as apathy. Same thing with school in general, was a pretty good student during the first half of this year and its slowly been degrading since, I've fucked up my grades in a few subjects that I worked pretty hard to attain, and like I said I've been putting off almost all of my work, and again it isnt the panic, sadness or anger I'd usually feel but just kinda apathy.

A few days ago I made a pretty big online order and the company fucked it up, instead of getting angry I again couldn't really care even though a bunch of money I'd saved up for years was on the line, I mean I got it after talking with support but even typing this out I'm not really angry, just kinda apathetic to the whole situation.

Even when I got what I ordered I was kinda indifferent to recieving it even though its a pretty huge deal, same shit happened with other gifts or stuff I've gotten, it didn't really affect me. Doesn't have to be physical, applies to both praise and criticism that I've gotten. I've not really gotten any 'genuine' enjoyment out of anything for a while either, I just sit around all day now

I'm not saying this to be thought of as a "cool dude" like "aw man look at him he's so cool he doesn't care woaah", in fact its pretty fucking worrying to me cause I'm kinda afraid that I'll ruin my life and regret it


I mean I don't mean to worry anyone with that last sentence, I'm not really even looking for a reply- Speaking of which I'm gonna go on a bit of a tangent here

Don't know if it applies to anyone else but I feel as though who I am is truest to me on this forum, at least in closeness to my internal dialogue (if that makes sense). I wonder why, it's probably the anonymity, since nobody knows who I actually am (at least I hope). And I'm kinda glad that you don't, since I like that nobody has to respond, or care like people do in real life, you can just sort of scream into the abyss here, and I don't want anyone to care, again sometimes you just kinda need to do that. I definitely couldn't talk about any of this shit to anyone in real life, I'd freeze up.

Speaking of which, was talking to a friend a few days ago, they kinda noticed something was going up and prodded, even though I wanted to talk about it I just couldn't, I guess it kinda ties in to the last paragraph, I don't really want people to worry or care about me, I know people have got their own shit to worry about so I don't wanna burden them with my crap, on the contrary though I love listening to other peoples problems and helping them, it's weird.

To again tie into my last paragraph, they kinda ghosted me, said we'd talk the day after and they never bothered, maybe I could've said what I wanted to, maybe I wouldn't have, who knows, but it still kinda stings that they didn't. Although that's a theme that I've begun to notice more and more. Don't know if anyone shares this experience, but does nobody ever talk to you if you don't initiate? If I didn't start talking with anyone I bet I could go a month without hearing anything from anyone, in fact I've been doing that since a few days ago and have gotten nothing from anyone. I've done it a few times unintentionally when I get sucked into something specific and then snap out of that hyper-focus in a few days and realize that wow, has nobody even thought of me?

Speaking of that friend, they've kinda ditched me and our friend group (that's practically been dead for a while). They're interested in a guy and it's been going well and I'm happy for them but at the same time its like we don't exist anymore, they straight up said last week that they don't really wanna hang out with us. It stung, but I appreciate the honesty though I guess lmao. For reference I'd consider them my closest friend, weirdly enough I was opening up more to them, the most I've done with anyone probably but it feels like after the last time we hung out its just sort of faded into nothing


This kinda lead me through a whole short-lived paranoia loop where I genuinely thought that pretty much everyone I counted as my friend had, for some odd reason, decided to completely abandon me. It was weird since I think of myself as a pretty rational person, and thinking back fuck yeah it is weird but I wonder why my brain decided to do that.

The thing is though the only constant in all my relationships with everyone has been me, so the problem has to be with me right? I try to initiate more with people, and they can't meet up or are busy, I try to back off for a bit and nobody even bothers trying to talk to me. Don't know if its a coincidence or what but it's really fucking with me.

I had pretty horrible social skills pre-covid (which, seeing as I have over 10k messages on a roleplaying forum isn't a surprise to many) but covid's practically destroyed them, even if I wanted to make some new friends I don't know how, new kid in my class has practically gotten closer to my friends (again, I'd say they are more acquaintances, read the previous paragraph) than I have in less than a fucking month even though I've known them for 4 years.

It really fucks with you, it sucks. It melts your fucking brain, it makes you paranoid, you begin to wonder if you're acting properly, if its what you say or think, or how you look, or what you're interested in, its tiring, its exhausting. I consider myself a pretty fucking normal dude but I've got to be doing something wrong, and for years, I for some fucking reason cannot figure out why.

It's not that I'm not self-aware, I'd say I am, like I know I'm not the most "normal" person but I'm definitely not socially inept to not be able to pick up on social cues or be unable to hold a conversation. But it still fucks with you, its maddening, it shoves you back into that loop of "or am I? Am I really that weird and inept? I can't be if I think I am, or am I?"

It's hard to describe


Looking back through this post I realize that I am in fact, very lonely, I don't think I've ever had anyone that wants to hang out with me one on one, or decides to call me up or randomly text me to tell me something they're excited about, or to just talk. Anyone that I'd consider to be a best friend or some shit, it's all practically just been acquaintances or distant friends, unless its someone obligated to talk to me through ties, like a family member.

Even if I have good days at times when I walk home for those few minutes where I'm alone with my thoughts with nothing to occupy them, I genuinely feel anger or like screaming (frustration I guess is the word) for some fucking reason, sometimes its better, sometimes its worse, but it always happens.


I think I'm self-aware enough, but with posts like these there's always that feeling deep down of "oh you're doing this for attention, or for pity" and it fucks with you on another degree cause it makes it harder to post these, and then you cringe the day after and every time someone replies to it, and I hope I didn't come off as some edgy dumbass or loser or some shit

anyways that's it, I don't even know what I was trying to say and it's probably all word salad

regarding your first five paragraphs, sounds like the textbook definition of depression; chemical imbalance in your brain not allowing you to care or try. its an illness, its not your fault; and it's worth trying to get some help for it xo

 

[ddæ]

I recently realized this with my group of online friends i've been chillin with since I was in middle school (im now 24). it must have been for the past couple years or so that I was the only person that was able (or wanted) to get the boys together for a board game or D&D or something. I decided recently that I'd stop being the one that has to push for everyone to do something together and the whole group collapsed fairly quickly. our discord is a shell of what it once was, and there's barely a message drop on it these days. since I hadn't talked to any of them for months, I decided to outright leave the discord and only one person bothered to keep up communication.

in hindsight, basically anytime I had suggested something to do over the past couple years, if one person didn't want to do it then nobody would - the second I said no to doing something then it was suddenly treated as if I never played games with them (which was true, because they also said no to everything). I feel relieved that i've noticed it now, and i've started doing things with other strangers n shit whenever i'm on (see further).

when I worked at amazon I was able to hold conversations with my co-workers very well, and we got along. I didn't become friends with any of them, despite talking to them just about every single day. I think it's my interests and what words I use in conversation that leads people to get closer with others, since a lot of people i've talked to very recently are heavily invested in social media culture, whereas I don't maintain anything online for the most part. I have no idea what the fuck anyones saying most of the time, it's like another language. so, despite being able to chat up people fine, we don't connect as well as i'd want to. I don't think it's a problem that's going to go away, unfortunately

the odd thing is, when I do make friends I find that I don't really want to keep up with everything that comes with it. it probably sounds really selfish but i'd rather not have to help with their problems, seek them out to actually do something and so on. it's the same reason I don't plan to have kids, and am very apprehensive about dating again

it's definitely just a part of getting older where meeting new people and keeping friends becomes more of a challenge. if you look at any set of parents you'll quickly realize that their friends are just whatever they could get. my parents are friends with a guy that holds onto some pretty racist ideals, but at this point it's either that guy, the anti-vax mom down the road or the crackhouse.

if I had to give a suggestion, I would find a random outlet online that fills your interests. I like racing on my logitech wheel and D&D, so I joined a racing league and run/play a few D&D games every week - a lot of the people from there have become what I would say are my friends. we don't really hang out or talk about many things like life, our problems, family etc etc. sometimes we'll spout out a quick discord convo or something, but that's all I really need to fulfill me socially for the time. it gives me something to look forward to on set days, so there's not much opportunity for anything to drag me down. I think your interests very much define a good portion of who you are, and people that share similar tastes as me usually behave pretty similar or want a similar kind of friendship without directly expressing it

this was definitely word salad but the tldr is basically you're not the only one, do what you wanna do, dont worry about other fellas. kinda just gotta say fuck it and go for it, the embarrassment that comes from shitty conversations with strangers wears off eventually

you've burned yourself out of a real life human interaction between friends because you didn't comprehend that meeting and hanging out with people over the internet is like meeting other people at work; they'll help you and hang out with you but the minute you leave at the end of the day they don't care and your lives separate as you go your own ways

it sounds tough but in reality no one on the internet cares about you bro people move on and don't keep in contact because they just find new interests away from you

and because of that you've burned yourself out with interacting with friends in person cause you had to carry a group that splintered days after you stopped putting effort in to organizing stuff

 

[Deleted member 332]

Hi, it's been a while since I've posted here, things have gotten worse although I'd say I'm still fine

I think that my minds actually starting to melt down or something


It's getting harder and harder to do anything. This past week I've almost missed my morning bus every day cause I couldn't be bothered to drag my ass out of bed until the last possible second. I've been putting off all my work (and I actually quit the editing side job I was doing), in fact im like a week behind a deadline for a project I need to finish to graduate, and unlike the internal panic I'd usually feel in similar situations its sort of best described as apathy. Same thing with school in general, was a pretty good student during the first half of this year and its slowly been degrading since, I've fucked up my grades in a few subjects that I worked pretty hard to attain, and like I said I've been putting off almost all of my work, and again it isnt the panic, sadness or anger I'd usually feel but just kinda apathy.

A few days ago I made a pretty big online order and the company fucked it up, instead of getting angry I again couldn't really care even though a bunch of money I'd saved up for years was on the line, I mean I got it after talking with support but even typing this out I'm not really angry, just kinda apathetic to the whole situation.

Even when I got what I ordered I was kinda indifferent to recieving it even though its a pretty huge deal, same shit happened with other gifts or stuff I've gotten, it didn't really affect me. Doesn't have to be physical, applies to both praise and criticism that I've gotten. I've not really gotten any 'genuine' enjoyment out of anything for a while either, I just sit around all day now

I'm not saying this to be thought of as a "cool dude" like "aw man look at him he's so cool he doesn't care woaah", in fact its pretty fucking worrying to me cause I'm kinda afraid that I'll ruin my life and regret it


I mean I don't mean to worry anyone with that last sentence, I'm not really even looking for a reply- Speaking of which I'm gonna go on a bit of a tangent here

Don't know if it applies to anyone else but I feel as though who I am is truest to me on this forum, at least in closeness to my internal dialogue (if that makes sense). I wonder why, it's probably the anonymity, since nobody knows who I actually am (at least I hope). And I'm kinda glad that you don't, since I like that nobody has to respond, or care like people do in real life, you can just sort of scream into the abyss here, and I don't want anyone to care, again sometimes you just kinda need to do that. I definitely couldn't talk about any of this shit to anyone in real life, I'd freeze up.

Speaking of which, was talking to a friend a few days ago, they kinda noticed something was going up and prodded, even though I wanted to talk about it I just couldn't, I guess it kinda ties in to the last paragraph, I don't really want people to worry or care about me, I know people have got their own shit to worry about so I don't wanna burden them with my crap, on the contrary though I love listening to other peoples problems and helping them, it's weird.

To again tie into my last paragraph, they kinda ghosted me, said we'd talk the day after and they never bothered, maybe I could've said what I wanted to, maybe I wouldn't have, who knows, but it still kinda stings that they didn't. Although that's a theme that I've begun to notice more and more. Don't know if anyone shares this experience, but does nobody ever talk to you if you don't initiate? If I didn't start talking with anyone I bet I could go a month without hearing anything from anyone, in fact I've been doing that since a few days ago and have gotten nothing from anyone. I've done it a few times unintentionally when I get sucked into something specific and then snap out of that hyper-focus in a few days and realize that wow, has nobody even thought of me?

Speaking of that friend, they've kinda ditched me and our friend group (that's practically been dead for a while). They're interested in a guy and it's been going well and I'm happy for them but at the same time its like we don't exist anymore, they straight up said last week that they don't really wanna hang out with us. It stung, but I appreciate the honesty though I guess lmao. For reference I'd consider them my closest friend, weirdly enough I was opening up more to them, the most I've done with anyone probably but it feels like after the last time we hung out its just sort of faded into nothing


This kinda lead me through a whole short-lived paranoia loop where I genuinely thought that pretty much everyone I counted as my friend had, for some odd reason, decided to completely abandon me. It was weird since I think of myself as a pretty rational person, and thinking back fuck yeah it is weird but I wonder why my brain decided to do that.

The thing is though the only constant in all my relationships with everyone has been me, so the problem has to be with me right? I try to initiate more with people, and they can't meet up or are busy, I try to back off for a bit and nobody even bothers trying to talk to me. Don't know if its a coincidence or what but it's really fucking with me.

I had pretty horrible social skills pre-covid (which, seeing as I have over 10k messages on a roleplaying forum isn't a surprise to many) but covid's practically destroyed them, even if I wanted to make some new friends I don't know how, new kid in my class has practically gotten closer to my friends (again, I'd say they are more acquaintances, read the previous paragraph) than I have in less than a fucking month even though I've known them for 4 years.

It really fucks with you, it sucks. It melts your fucking brain, it makes you paranoid, you begin to wonder if you're acting properly, if its what you say or think, or how you look, or what you're interested in, its tiring, its exhausting. I consider myself a pretty fucking normal dude but I've got to be doing something wrong, and for years, I for some fucking reason cannot figure out why.

It's not that I'm not self-aware, I'd say I am, like I know I'm not the most "normal" person but I'm definitely not socially inept to not be able to pick up on social cues or be unable to hold a conversation. But it still fucks with you, its maddening, it shoves you back into that loop of "or am I? Am I really that weird and inept? I can't be if I think I am, or am I?"

It's hard to describe


Looking back through this post I realize that I am in fact, very lonely, I don't think I've ever had anyone that wants to hang out with me one on one, or decides to call me up or randomly text me to tell me something they're excited about, or to just talk. Anyone that I'd consider to be a best friend or some shit, it's all practically just been acquaintances or distant friends, unless its someone obligated to talk to me through ties, like a family member.

Even if I have good days at times when I walk home for those few minutes where I'm alone with my thoughts with nothing to occupy them, I genuinely feel anger or like screaming (frustration I guess is the word) for some fucking reason, sometimes its better, sometimes its worse, but it always happens.


I think I'm self-aware enough, but with posts like these there's always that feeling deep down of "oh you're doing this for attention, or for pity" and it fucks with you on another degree cause it makes it harder to post these, and then you cringe the day after and every time someone replies to it, and I hope I didn't come off as some edgy dumbass or loser or some shit

anyways that's it, I don't even know what I was trying to say and it's probably all word salad

Completely know how you feel with the apathy side of things. Alcohol problems haven't helped either and now I barely talk to anybody, fell out of touch with the couple of friends I did have during covid and then my ex leaving me in late april last year was kinda the final blow. Just been a downward spiral since then and I feel like an entirely different person. It's made me unkind and bitter. I've fallen cripplingly behind at uni, have no real plans for the future anymore and I spend every day just sat alone on my computer in my accommodation. It's been like this for almost 11 months now but I don't even have the energy to care. I've put on a lot of weight so my clothes don't fit and can barely maintain hygiene. If you'd told me I'd be feeling and looking like this a year ago I'd have been terrified and disgusted with myself but it's just apathy now. I was so confident and happy with myself before. In good shape, job, girlfriend, uni, happy with my music stuff. Sucks big time

 

[Ond]

Completely know how you feel with the apathy side of things. Alcohol problems haven't helped either and now I barely talk to anybody, fell out of touch with the couple of friends I did have during covid and then my ex leaving me in late april last year was kinda the final blow. Just been a downward spiral since then and I feel like an entirely different person. It's made me unkind and bitter. I've fallen cripplingly behind at uni, have no real plans for the future anymore and I spend every day just sat alone on my computer in my accommodation. It's been like this for almost 11 months now but I don't even have the energy to care. I've put on a lot of weight so my clothes don't fit and can barely maintain hygiene. If you'd told me I'd be feeling and looking like this a year ago I'd have been terrified and disgusted with myself but it's just apathy now. I was so confident and happy with myself before. In good shape, job, girlfriend, uni, happy with my music stuff. Sucks big time

Sorry to tell you this, but you weren't confident and happy with yourself. All of these positive things going on in your life created a positive feedback loop - psychologically speaking. I've tried the same thing, but in a different environment that's not really associated with the nature of this subject

What this means is, that you weren't genuinely happy and confident with yourself, but all of these things came together and made you believe that you were. Losing a girlfriend or job CAN be, and for some people IS, a detrimental event - but most people make quick recovery from it.

My guess is that you might've been too busy to notice the symptoms which all came crashing together, when the events you described unfolded. If 11 months have passed since you split up/lost the job and everything else, I would consider seeking out a therapist or psychologist as it's abnormal - meaning you might be suffering unknowingly under a lack of mental wellness

Apathy and retraction from social life of any kind is, as someone wrote earlier, a very large indication of depression - get checked out, dude. Nobody can do it for you, and your life will get better if you work on yourself like this

 

[Merlinsclaw]

In about four months I'll be moving like 500 miles/800 kilometers to D.C for school. I'm nervous as hell to basically go from a small city to a major metropolitan area for school. I'm nervous about basically restarting life and friendships so far from home and I'm a bit nervous about failure.

Meanwhile, I'm trying not to flunk out as I get more and more apathetic by the day regarding my current school work. About two months ago, I switched from in-person to virtual schooling which in hindsight was a terrible idea (and I was told as such). I became more apathetic regarding schoolwork, relations with friends, and a competitive organization (of which a major competition is rapidly coming up this weekend and I've barely prepared for).

Now, at the end of the quarter, I'm trying to scramble to get my affairs in order to not fail (compared to my nearly perfect schooling record in years prior) and be able to still attend the major competition this weekend. All the while I'm stressing out about fleeting relationships and the final bits of this year. I felt like I've thrown away years and that being in this state doesn't help.

My mental state is down the gutter a bit. I'm hoping that I can get all my affairs in order for this quarter and not fail. Other than that, I'm hoping to switch back to in-person by the end of this week in order to scrounge up whatever I have left of social shit and experiences with people I'll probably never see again after this year.

 

[fofa]

ever since i've moved to germany i've been feeling severely homesick

recently though, my state has worsened to the point where i have suicidal thoughts and i probably wouldn't be afraid to act on them. i reckon that stems from the fact that i can't speak the language that well, which greatly impacts my school work and relationships (or the lack of them). i fear for my future and i don't wanna spend yet another year in this country, as stupid as this may sound to some i really wanna go back to poland and continue my education there without having to constantly live in anxiety and worry if things'll work out.

all my friends are there, my grandparents are there (which frankly don't have a lot of time left and i don't wanna regret not seeing them more often once they're gone.)

these feelings have sucked every single inch of life out of me recently

 

[Ond]

In about four months I'll be moving like 500 miles/800 kilometers to D.C for school. I'm nervous as hell to basically go from a small city to a major metropolitan area for school. I'm nervous about basically restarting life and friendships so far from home and I'm a bit nervous about failure.

Meanwhile, I'm trying not to flunk out as I get more and more apathetic by the day regarding my current school work. About two months ago, I switched from in-person to virtual schooling which in hindsight was a terrible idea (and I was told as such). I became more apathetic regarding schoolwork, relations with friends, and a competitive organization (of which a major competition is rapidly coming up this weekend and I've barely prepared for).

Now, at the end of the quarter, I'm trying to scramble to get my affairs in order to not fail (compared to my nearly perfect schooling record in years prior) and be able to still attend the major competition this weekend. All the while I'm stressing out about fleeting relationships and the final bits of this year. I felt like I've thrown away years and that being in this state doesn't help.

My mental state is down the gutter a bit. I'm hoping that I can get all my affairs in order for this quarter and not fail. Other than that, I'm hoping to switch back to in-person by the end of this week in order to scrounge up whatever I have left of social shit and experiences with people I'll probably never see again after this year.

you'll do fine, don't worry about it

moving to a large city where you know nobody is a blessing in disguise, a chance to reinvent yourself and get better at everything you want to. A chance to try new things, and meet new people

It's the best thing that happened to me leaving my town

ever since i've moved to germany i've been feeling severely homesick

recently though, my state has worsened to the point where i have suicidal thoughts and i probably wouldn't be afraid to act on them. i reckon that stems from the fact that i can't speak the language that well, which greatly impacts my school work and relationships (or the lack of them). i fear for my future and i don't wanna spend yet another year in this country, as stupid as this may sound to some i really wanna go back to poland and continue my education there without having to constantly live in anxiety and worry if things'll work out.

all my friends are there, my grandparents are there (which frankly don't have a lot of time left and i don't wanna regret not seeing them more often once they're gone.)

these feelings have sucked every single inch of life out of me recently

what was your name before it was peggy?

 

[Blackquill]

what was your name before it was peggy?

That's Mateoz

 

[Zeenz]

I do that as well, I've written more posts that I've deleted than I've actually posted here, sometimes I spend an hour or two writing stuff only to delete it, and I usually regret posting it but whatever- I guess these posts serve the same purpose of burning that shit

DMs don't offer me any closure no offense, but again like I said I don't really want people worrying about me, nor is there any real 'connection' for me, nor do I want any further connection with people here, again it feels out of obligation, like talking to those online therapy bots, but I appreciate the gesture. I hope your pals doing fine wherever they are

Found out they are alive but not well, they also terminated contact with their family. I thought after I knew they were alive my sleep would get better but my insomnia is getting worse. I feel like shit. I just want good sleep and not be tired after sleeping like 10 hours is that too much to ask for

 

[Serrated Flamberge]

Completely know how you feel with the apathy side of things. Alcohol problems haven't helped either and now I barely talk to anybody, fell out of touch with the couple of friends I did have during covid and then my ex leaving me in late april last year was kinda the final blow. Just been a downward spiral since then and I feel like an entirely different person. It's made me unkind and bitter. I've fallen cripplingly behind at uni, have no real plans for the future anymore and I spend every day just sat alone on my computer in my accommodation. It's been like this for almost 11 months now but I don't even have the energy to care. I've put on a lot of weight so my clothes don't fit and can barely maintain hygiene. If you'd told me I'd be feeling and looking like this a year ago I'd have been terrified and disgusted with myself but it's just apathy now. I was so confident and happy with myself before. In good shape, job, girlfriend, uni, happy with my music stuff. Sucks big time

You could always have autism, an underbite, peripheral neuropathy, brain damage etc. Count your blessings and talk to someone about it, it might not help but it's worth a try.

 

[Zeenz]

Know most people don’t read this, but been doing better. I guess most of the shit I said it felt was just that, a fleeting moment. Been a good couple of weeks. I did the stupid thing of stopping my sleeping pills I had. Don’t really like taking them so now I can’t really sleep. They don’t help anyway as I slept like 8-10 hours and was still sleepy lmao but yea doing better.

 

[FreeSpy]

drunk me posting
i dont knwo what im doing anymore

this shit feels like a spiral out of control

idc who i wronged i love y'all life too short to care about hate or some buddhist quote haha

i fucked up a relationship a girl cause i cancelled a meeting with her like tonight cause i got too wasted so like idk
i love my life i love my friends man idk this has been a eye opening considering all thas happened recent

i post too much dumb shit bro im done w my 5 am rant

everything feels like i cant do anything about it i just want it all to stop so i can catch up to life's speed and keep up but it feels so hard toa ctauilly keep up it's stupid
idk anymore man im gonna wake up dead inside more than i am in this post im just a fucked up person in reality and none of this will last and eventually well all just die because thas life and im fine w htat but iwanna live to fullest but i can tbecause of social bullshit idk man i just weanna go hiking and living bu i am bogged down by shit scheduling an life in general man i just want to have peace and tranquility but instead i get sirens every day near my school reminding me of life being fucking deadly to all and it makes mes cared fo what is to come

mods feel free to remove this idk what im typing anymore idc though

rant over im gonna fall alseep

 

[Andrew]

drunk me posting
i dont knwo what im doing anymore

this shit feels like a spiral out of control

idc who i wronged i love y'all life too short to care about hate or some buddhist quote haha

i fucked up a relationship a girl cause i cancelled a meeting with her like tonight cause i got too wasted so like idk
i love my life i love my friends man idk this has been a eye opening considering all thas happened recent

i post too much dumb shit bro im done w my 5 am rant

everything feels like i cant do anything about it i just want it all to stop so i can catch up to life's speed and keep up but it feels so hard toa ctauilly keep up it's stupid
idk anymore man im gonna wake up dead inside more than i am in this post im just a fucked up person in reality and none of this will last and eventually well all just die because thas life and im fine w htat but iwanna live to fullest but i can tbecause of social bullshit idk man i just weanna go hiking and living bu i am bogged down by shit scheduling an life in general man i just want to have peace and tranquility but instead i get sirens every day near my school reminding me of life being fucking deadly to all and it makes mes cared fo what is to come

mods feel free to remove this idk what im typing anymore idc though

rant over im gonna fall alseep

pull the long game
work hard for 2-3 years save up money
live for 1-3-4 years (roommates) and not work by using the money you've saved
go hiking sporadically and climb beeg mountains (both before and after the plan)

 

[Mute]

man i really need to get this out
i have absolutely fucking destroyed my fingers cause anxietys kicked into 12th gear and i keep picking and biting at them so im semi-bleeding over my keyboard while i type this but i guess its for a positive reason

was debating where to post it but i need some i dunno advice or something


a while ago i made a post on the lgbt thread suspecting i didnt experience attraction, at the time i was in a pretty fucked up place mentally as i was the past few years, and the reason for it was due to me never experiencing "true attraction" so i was wondering if its that, guess not

had a crush for a few years now but never really spoke to her cause i was quite afraid and extremely closed off (and of social interaction in general), recently though ive been talking with a lot more people and becoming more open and shit and its been paying off so hooray, made a few friends for the first time in years
one of those friends happened to be the same crush mentioned previously

i cannot tell you how fucked up its got me dude i know some people are gonna see this and laugh but i genuinely didnt know you could even fucking feel this way, when people talked about it or i read about it in books or saw movies and tv shows i thought it was in an actual metaphorical sense to put it in perspective. my feelings for her kinda got kicked up to max

spoke to a few female friends to get their opinion and they say she likes me back, but i dunno, we've been talking quite actively for a week now (despite being in the same class for 4 years now), been watching horror movies she recommends me cause shes a big horror nut, spoke up until like 4-5am a few times, she says she finds me really funny, made an offhand comment about worrying for people she cares about after i went to bed early yesterday cause i had a massive fucking headache like never before. she's given me a few compliments about my hair and clothes

i genuinely just think she's being polite

yeah writing it out i feel fucking dumb too but im extremely fucking neurotic and she's really pretty and i feel like i got no fucking chance right cause she could probably pull any dude in the country

tomorrow we're going to an escape room with a few friends from school, was thinking of inviting her to coffee beforehand casually to discuss strategies and maybe giving her a note afterwards before we head home telling her what i feel

guess its kinda like my final chance since schools shut down since theres massive union protests for wages so idk when theyre gonna open back up, and even then theres only one month of school before we graduate

still feel like im gonna fuck it up though or she wont reciprocate and i really dont wanna lose her as a friend

gahd fuckin damn