Serious Medical/Mental Illness. Or a general well being thread

[Andrew]

hi it’s me I don’t plan to stick around or return (forums or otherwise) but I just needed to come here to talk for a bit just cause there’s nowhere else I can really turn so its time to overshare as is my expertise

haven’t been doing to well mentally, thought staffing and the server and community was the root cause of it, quitting did help a bit but not as much as I hoped it would, tried getting into new hobbies like drawing to no avail

past year or two has completely isolated me from everyone and everything, struggled with depression and anxiety even before covid but its just gotten worse, can’t really go out of my house without feeling like shit and that everyones watching and judging me

not something ive ever divulged with anyone but ive had suicidal thoughts for a long time (from a disturbingly young age, 10-11 or so), they stopped for a while but have cropped up again these past few months, especially a lot more the month ive been away, but its been getting better

been doing better in school than usual actually, despite that im in a bit of a crossroads in my life, unsure if i actually want to pursue the thing ive planned/go to college for (IT) cause ive been doubting if its actually something id enjoy or if its due to this grandiose idea ive developed of pay that comes with those types of jobs and the prospects of leaving my country, so thats not nice considering i have to make this life altering choice in less than 6 months

dunno, people here are in a similar age range to me and have had to go through these choices themselves so im just kinda looking for guidance and advice on it

how old are you?

 

[Deleted member 7099]

hi it’s me I don’t plan to stick around or return (forums or otherwise) but I just needed to come here to talk for a bit just cause there’s nowhere else I can really turn so its time to overshare as is my expertise

haven’t been doing to well mentally, thought staffing and the server and community was the root cause of it, quitting did help a bit but not as much as I hoped it would, tried getting into new hobbies like drawing to no avail

past year or two has completely isolated me from everyone and everything, struggled with depression and anxiety even before covid but its just gotten worse, can’t really go out of my house without feeling like shit and that everyones watching and judging me

not something ive ever divulged with anyone but ive had suicidal thoughts for a long time (from a disturbingly young age, 10-11 or so), they stopped for a while but have cropped up again these past few months, especially a lot more the month ive been away, but its been getting better

been doing better in school than usual actually, despite that im in a bit of a crossroads in my life, unsure if i actually want to pursue the thing ive planned/go to college for (IT) cause ive been doubting if its actually something id enjoy or if its due to this grandiose idea ive developed of pay that comes with those types of jobs and the prospects of leaving my country, so thats not nice considering i have to make this life altering choice in less than 6 months

dunno, people here are in a similar age range to me and have had to go through these choices themselves so im just kinda looking for guidance and advice on it

i really dont think i can offer anything of value to say but i really just think a nice comment can do at least a little. you're one of the coolest mofos ive ever met on this little community and im more than glad ive had the opportunity to talk to someone as friendly and funny as you. no matter what sorta low in your life you find yourself you're always gonna be a rockin person, so please keep it rockin no matter what.

 

[Rabid]

Also if I didn't take the leap I wouldn't have this goober in my life.

So honestly, live your life the way you can. We only have the one and sometimes being adventurous can bring you something you didn't know you needed.

my girlfriend has had depression since she was seven and has constant suicidal thoughts but she refuses to take medication because her mum died from mixing anti depressents and alcohol which eventually gave her jaundice. I don't know how I can help her and sometimes i feel like I'm just slowly losing her

This is one of the hardest things and I can only sympathise with you.

My advice would be to just be there for her. Sometimes you can only do what you can, even if it makes you feel guilty - if she doesn't want to accept your help past a certain point then all you can do is be there for what she will accept.

 

[Andrew]

my girlfriend has had depression since she was seven and has constant suicidal thoughts but she refuses to take medication because her mum died from mixing anti depressents and alcohol which eventually gave her jaundice. I don't know how I can help her and sometimes i feel like I'm just slowly losing her

when people are really afraid of medicine, you need to do everything sans medication to help them
vitamin D via laying in the sun for ten to fifteen minutes a day, both sides
regular exercise, regular-ish sleep schedule
regular diet, cutting out sugar/coffee/soda/stimulants

the upcoming winter never fares anyone well but it's important to wrap yourself in a blanket of friendship usually, always a good help

hi it’s me I don’t plan to stick around or return (forums or otherwise) but I just needed to come here to talk for a bit just cause there’s nowhere else I can really turn so its time to overshare as is my expertise

haven’t been doing to well mentally, thought staffing and the server and community was the root cause of it, quitting did help a bit but not as much as I hoped it would, tried getting into new hobbies like drawing to no avail

past year or two has completely isolated me from everyone and everything, struggled with depression and anxiety even before covid but its just gotten worse, can’t really go out of my house without feeling like shit and that everyones watching and judging me

not something ive ever divulged with anyone but ive had suicidal thoughts for a long time (from a disturbingly young age, 10-11 or so), they stopped for a while but have cropped up again these past few months, especially a lot more the month ive been away, but its been getting better

been doing better in school than usual actually, despite that im in a bit of a crossroads in my life, unsure if i actually want to pursue the thing ive planned/go to college for (IT) cause ive been doubting if its actually something id enjoy or if its due to this grandiose idea ive developed of pay that comes with those types of jobs and the prospects of leaving my country, so thats not nice considering i have to make this life altering choice in less than 6 months

dunno, people here are in a similar age range to me and have had to go through these choices themselves so im just kinda looking for guidance and advice on it

Spoiler: part 1

Ignore my last post, I don't care about the age - but I'll tell you one thing from experience, the moment you hit your mid-twenties a lot of stuff just sorta eases out

I don't really talk about my life on nebulous because it's not too-too interesting or anything, but I was absolutely gone in the head for years at a time, it was really once I was 23 things started levelling out, not even from changes to my life - it was mostly just the age.

Your brain doesn't pull the work in as much, you don't have your teenage strength/longevity anymore (you're a teenager until you're twenty-three, fight me) and mostly you realize a lot of stuff about life and all that

A really good example is this youtuber, Steve Wallis. Loves camping, his current channel is just camping videos

His career started with this 'documentary' circa 2011


young, swears, there's a comment that beautifully compares it to how he is now

And by his current videos...


Pick any, really - but he's a happy, reserved dude. Things obviously changed in his life for the better in the past ten years, and it's a solid example of how things can really change for the better in the long run.
Am I also shilling a comfy channel to you? Yes.

I lost my train of thought writing this, but it's a healthy channel to watch.
But overall, as for your want in IT @Mute , you should definitely not overthink your career - you can be fourty and still start a new career. The educational system LOVES shoving the idea of going to college, getting a career, preparations etc. into the minds of younger people and it's incredibly unhealthy.

I spent years learning computers, IT, I can fix what you need, I can do what you need, etc. but I still refuse to get a job in the service purely out of experience. I'm not going to share horror stories, I'm not going to sit here and be all 'well, I did so-and-so' because my experience can be way different than yours.
But I instead worked construction for a short while, and I'll be perfectly happy doing night inventory a month from now for a little while.

Life isn't always fun, but there comes a time your brain might just settle in, and settle to the passage of time. Lots of people cannot cope with losing time, they feel that wasting a friday was a bad move, wasting a month was a bad move, etc...

the single largest piece of advice I can give you is to just look forward, don't bring up the past, don't bring up something that'll make you feel worse, just keep looking forward, keep on what you're doing

 

[maxi]

hi it’s me I don’t plan to stick around or return (forums or otherwise) but I just needed to come here to talk for a bit just cause there’s nowhere else I can really turn so its time to overshare as is my expertise

haven’t been doing to well mentally, thought staffing and the server and community was the root cause of it, quitting did help a bit but not as much as I hoped it would, tried getting into new hobbies like drawing to no avail

past year or two has completely isolated me from everyone and everything, struggled with depression and anxiety even before covid but its just gotten worse, can’t really go out of my house without feeling like shit and that everyones watching and judging me

not something ive ever divulged with anyone but ive had suicidal thoughts for a long time (from a disturbingly young age, 10-11 or so), they stopped for a while but have cropped up again these past few months, especially a lot more the month ive been away, but its been getting better

been doing better in school than usual actually, despite that im in a bit of a crossroads in my life, unsure if i actually want to pursue the thing ive planned/go to college for (IT) cause ive been doubting if its actually something id enjoy or if its due to this grandiose idea ive developed of pay that comes with those types of jobs and the prospects of leaving my country, so thats not nice considering i have to make this life altering choice in less than 6 months

dunno, people here are in a similar age range to me and have had to go through these choices themselves so im just kinda looking for guidance and advice on it

hey mute.

uncertainty is apart of the school process, and ultimately i think every student at some point comes up with a situation like this. ultimately, it's important to remember that this isn't the be all end all stage of your life, and the decision you make regarding your education really isn't the last decision regarding it, and you can always go back and change, there's no limit

i dont know what much else to say but you'll hear this a lot; do what feels best, for me, im conflicted between two careers in the same field - one with good pay, less fun, one with mediocre pay, a lot of fun - i'll probably choose the latter

but im glad that nebulous is a nice place for you. i like it here and i find that most of the members have a certain degree of maturity and understanding, as well as kinship, that other communities simply lack

 

[Deleted member 442]

Meds help but therapy is wayyy better. Also just want to state that meds are okay but under any circumstance Never ever take benzos or benzodiazepines. They are dreadful. Ive been taking clonazepam for a year or more. Quit it 6 months ago. Best decision ive ever made but the withdrawal is horrible.

I wouldn't completely discount a specific medication unless it is demonstrably more harmful than the condition it is treating. I've been taking a fairly considerable dose of clonazepam for years and it works for me. I won't disagree with withdrawals can be awful, but honestly, it pales compared to the rock bottom, at least in my personal experience. My only real gripe with it is that at times, when it's least appropriate, it leaves me feeling cold and emotionally absent, but that's really not enough for me to 100% discount it.

 

[Mute]

when people are really afraid of medicine, you need to do everything sans medication to help them
vitamin D via laying in the sun for ten to fifteen minutes a day, both sides
regular exercise, regular-ish sleep schedule
regular diet, cutting out sugar/coffee/soda/stimulants

the upcoming winter never fares anyone well but it's important to wrap yourself in a blanket of friendship usually, always a good help

Spoiler: part 1

Ignore my last post, I don't care about the age - but I'll tell you one thing from experience, the moment you hit your mid-twenties a lot of stuff just sorta eases out

I don't really talk about my life on nebulous because it's not too-too interesting or anything, but I was absolutely gone in the head for years at a time, it was really once I was 23 things started levelling out, not even from changes to my life - it was mostly just the age.

Your brain doesn't pull the work in as much, you don't have your teenage strength/longevity anymore (you're a teenager until you're twenty-three, fight me) and mostly you realize a lot of stuff about life and all that

A really good example is this youtuber, Steve Wallis. Loves camping, his current channel is just camping videos

His career started with this 'documentary' circa 2011


young, swears, there's a comment that beautifully compares it to how he is now

And by his current videos...


Pick any, really - but he's a happy, reserved dude. Things obviously changed in his life for the better in the past ten years, and it's a solid example of how things can really change for the better in the long run.
Am I also shilling a comfy channel to you? Yes.

I lost my train of thought writing this, but it's a healthy channel to watch.
But overall, as for your want in IT @Mute , you should definitely not overthink your career - you can be fourty and still start a new career. The educational system LOVES shoving the idea of going to college, getting a career, preparations etc. into the minds of younger people and it's incredibly unhealthy.

I spent years learning computers, IT, I can fix what you need, I can do what you need, etc. but I still refuse to get a job in the service purely out of experience. I'm not going to share horror stories, I'm not going to sit here and be all 'well, I did so-and-so' because my experience can be way different than yours.
But I instead worked construction for a short while, and I'll be perfectly happy doing night inventory a month from now for a little while.

Life isn't always fun, but there comes a time your brain might just settle in, and settle to the passage of time. Lots of people cannot cope with losing time, they feel that wasting a friday was a bad move, wasting a month was a bad move, etc...

the single largest piece of advice I can give you is to just look forward, don't bring up the past, don't bring up something that'll make you feel worse, just keep looking forward, keep on what you're doing

thanks Andrew genuinely one of the best pieces of advice I’ve gotten

IT in general is something that had interested me, specifically networking, but ive just been doubting if its my passion or something id actually be interested in once i delved deep into it, and ive come to realize that i cant really spend 8 hours a day in an office

my passion sort of lies in cooking, but i do know the industry is horrible and the pay is shit, ive always enjoyed the idea of trades too from the times ive tagged along with my father (doesnt specifically work in them but its a related field) since i love to work with my hands and i like working in different places but ive also heard its grueling work too, and contrary to the US/EU the pay and conditions here are horrible, and those lines of work are typically treated as “unskilled” so there arent many chances to immigrate which were sort of my plans

perhaps nows the best time to experiment though, better to make mistakes now and find what i enjoy than realizing it 20-30 years down the line, ive had the idea of taking a gap year and seeing if i can find something i enjoy before committing to college

 

[Andrew]

I really like construction because working with my hands was the most fun of IT, I just didn't like having to work y'know like six hours and the only work I can visibly see done disappears when I turn my monitor off

build a wall, though? wall's there.

 

[Appetite Ruining Kebab]

hi it’s me I don’t plan to stick around or return (forums or otherwise) but I just needed to come here to talk for a bit just cause there’s nowhere else I can really turn so its time to overshare as is my expertise

haven’t been doing to well mentally, thought staffing and the server and community was the root cause of it, quitting did help a bit but not as much as I hoped it would, tried getting into new hobbies like drawing to no avail

past year or two has completely isolated me from everyone and everything, struggled with depression and anxiety even before covid but its just gotten worse, can’t really go out of my house without feeling like shit and that everyones watching and judging me

not something ive ever divulged with anyone but ive had suicidal thoughts for a long time (from a disturbingly young age, 10-11 or so), they stopped for a while but have cropped up again these past few months, especially a lot more the month ive been away, but its been getting better

been doing better in school than usual actually, despite that im in a bit of a crossroads in my life, unsure if i actually want to pursue the thing ive planned/go to college for (IT) cause ive been doubting if its actually something id enjoy or if its due to this grandiose idea ive developed of pay that comes with those types of jobs and the prospects of leaving my country, so thats not nice considering i have to make this life altering choice in less than 6 months

dunno, people here are in a similar age range to me and have had to go through these choices themselves so im just kinda looking for guidance and advice on it

possibly late and average advice down below, slightly long winded

i went through pretty much the exact same thing as you did at the end of high school. mostly it revolved around maths/computer science - i was really really good at maths in elementary school and graudally lost that skill so i always attached some pride into the idea of relearning it properly

i ended up going into english linguistics & literature because this language has been a passion of mine for the past decade - i cant yet say whether it will do me any favors, and ive struggled here, but ive had a lot of fun and i know for a fact id have a far more miserable time in any other field

if you're apprehensive about the idea of trying it out because youre afraid you wont like it, you probably wont like it

its healthier to aim for a field you wont feel like absolute shit in than to nail the absolute perfect blend of passion and money. things get easier after that. take it from someone who may or may not regret this in a few years but i dont regret where i am right now

 

[john]

I really like construction because working with my hands was the most fun of IT, I just didn't like having to work y'know like six hours and the only work I can visibly see done disappears when I turn my monitor off

build a wall, though? wall's there.

same rhetoric i used to clamber my way away from coding and computer work and into electricians work. i dont fancy IT, especially not if you're already fairly shut in, it'll only make you lonelier imo.

 

[Deleted member 243]

I'm such a fucking idiot sometimes.

• Get assignment.
• Have to go on vacation.
• "I can easily finish this well before the deadline."
• Proceed not to do that even though I had all the time in the world.
• Burn my brain out like an Xbox One out in the sun during the last few days being in the netherlands.
• Probably have to take my work with me on holiday.

Why do I have to default to NPC behaviour? I just refused to do it and be a fucking adult. What's my fucking problem?

I stopped coping, I'm just malding right now.

 

[avralwobniar]

I really like construction because working with my hands was the most fun of IT, I just didn't like having to work y'know like six hours and the only work I can visibly see done disappears when I turn my monitor off

build a wall, though? wall's there.

Jobs where you can visually see your progress are nice. That's one thing I actually like about doing deliveries, I can watch my van get emptier through the day. It gives me milestones to hit each shift

I'm not depressed or anything but I am slightly worried about my job performance. Yesterday I was lazy and didn't sort my itinerary so I had businesses that close at 3 showing up on my list at 5-7 pm. Ended up with 30 undeliverable packages

 

[German_jld]

apes together strong

+

 

[z KillerMuffin]

hi it’s me I don’t plan to stick around or return (forums or otherwise) but I just needed to come here to talk for a bit just cause there’s nowhere else I can really turn so its time to overshare as is my expertise

haven’t been doing to well mentally, thought staffing and the server and community was the root cause of it, quitting did help a bit but not as much as I hoped it would, tried getting into new hobbies like drawing to no avail

past year or two has completely isolated me from everyone and everything, struggled with depression and anxiety even before covid but its just gotten worse, can’t really go out of my house without feeling like shit and that everyones watching and judging me

not something ive ever divulged with anyone but ive had suicidal thoughts for a long time (from a disturbingly young age, 10-11 or so), they stopped for a while but have cropped up again these past few months, especially a lot more the month ive been away, but its been getting better

been doing better in school than usual actually, despite that im in a bit of a crossroads in my life, unsure if i actually want to pursue the thing ive planned/go to college for (IT) cause ive been doubting if its actually something id enjoy or if its due to this grandiose idea ive developed of pay that comes with those types of jobs and the prospects of leaving my country, so thats not nice considering i have to make this life altering choice in less than 6 months

dunno, people here are in a similar age range to me and have had to go through these choices themselves so im just kinda looking for guidance and advice on it

Everyone’s experiences are different, but all have similarities. I worked in IT for some time and it had a similar effect on me, but, most of it rooted from some other things that happened in my life. My best advice to you is to not be afraid to try things out. And once you do, know that you can always change your path. The biggest thing is not being afraid of change.

With the job stuff out of the way, I only can urge that you seek professional help. I had (and still have) depression for quite a long time. Professional help hasn’t given me all of the answers, but it’s given me tools to help begin digging myself out of the hole. Just know that no matter how bleak the days are, the tunnel does end eventually. I’m nearing the end of my tunnel I think, and I hope you can soon join me.

 

[Chromesthesia_]

i just need a big tiddy goth bitch to fart on my cock on god

 

[Chromesthesia_]

rate dumb all u want u know im right

 

[Zeenz]

I think I need help but I’m to much of a pussy to open up to someone like a therapist

 

[Deleted member 3129]

Been 6 months alone now.

Brother doesn't want to see me.
Parents are never home and ussualy abroad.

Been working non-stop to build up capital for the past 8 years and still everything is expensive.

Partner left recently.
Living from day to day without a clue of what the future will bring. Angry.

Been having problems with alcoholism for the past 3 months. Switched over to weed, can feel dépendancy grow. Not good.

Cold

 

[PEGG LEGG]

Been 6 months alone now.

Brother doesn't want to see me.
Parents are never home and ussualy abroad.

Been working non-stop to build up capital for the past 8 years and still everything is expensive.

Partner left recently.
Living from day to day without a clue of what the future will bring. Angry.

Been having problems with alcoholism for the past 3 months. Switched over to weed, can feel dépendancy grow. Not good.

Cold

Life is a pendulum, brutha. There will be good times, and there will be bad times. Talk to someone close, or confide in someone you know you can trust. You're just stumbling a bit in the road called life like everyone does. You'll be alright, dude!

 

[Mute]

Hi, it's been a while since I've posted here, things have gotten worse although I'd say I'm still fine

I think that my minds actually starting to melt down or something


It's getting harder and harder to do anything. This past week I've almost missed my morning bus every day cause I couldn't be bothered to drag my ass out of bed until the last possible second. I've been putting off all my work (and I actually quit the editing side job I was doing), in fact im like a week behind a deadline for a project I need to finish to graduate, and unlike the internal panic I'd usually feel in similar situations its sort of best described as apathy. Same thing with school in general, was a pretty good student during the first half of this year and its slowly been degrading since, I've fucked up my grades in a few subjects that I worked pretty hard to attain, and like I said I've been putting off almost all of my work, and again it isnt the panic, sadness or anger I'd usually feel but just kinda apathy.

A few days ago I made a pretty big online order and the company fucked it up, instead of getting angry I again couldn't really care even though a bunch of money I'd saved up for years was on the line, I mean I got it after talking with support but even typing this out I'm not really angry, just kinda apathetic to the whole situation.

Even when I got what I ordered I was kinda indifferent to recieving it even though its a pretty huge deal, same shit happened with other gifts or stuff I've gotten, it didn't really affect me. Doesn't have to be physical, applies to both praise and criticism that I've gotten. I've not really gotten any 'genuine' enjoyment out of anything for a while either, I just sit around all day now

I'm not saying this to be thought of as a "cool dude" like "aw man look at him he's so cool he doesn't care woaah", in fact its pretty fucking worrying to me cause I'm kinda afraid that I'll ruin my life and regret it


I mean I don't mean to worry anyone with that last sentence, I'm not really even looking for a reply- Speaking of which I'm gonna go on a bit of a tangent here

Don't know if it applies to anyone else but I feel as though who I am is truest to me on this forum, at least in closeness to my internal dialogue (if that makes sense). I wonder why, it's probably the anonymity, since nobody knows who I actually am (at least I hope). And I'm kinda glad that you don't, since I like that nobody has to respond, or care like people do in real life, you can just sort of scream into the abyss here, and I don't want anyone to care, again sometimes you just kinda need to do that. I definitely couldn't talk about any of this shit to anyone in real life, I'd freeze up.

Speaking of which, was talking to a friend a few days ago, they kinda noticed something was going up and prodded, even though I wanted to talk about it I just couldn't, I guess it kinda ties in to the last paragraph, I don't really want people to worry or care about me, I know people have got their own shit to worry about so I don't wanna burden them with my crap, on the contrary though I love listening to other peoples problems and helping them, it's weird.

To again tie into my last paragraph, they kinda ghosted me, said we'd talk the day after and they never bothered, maybe I could've said what I wanted to, maybe I wouldn't have, who knows, but it still kinda stings that they didn't. Although that's a theme that I've begun to notice more and more. Don't know if anyone shares this experience, but does nobody ever talk to you if you don't initiate? If I didn't start talking with anyone I bet I could go a month without hearing anything from anyone, in fact I've been doing that since a few days ago and have gotten nothing from anyone. I've done it a few times unintentionally when I get sucked into something specific and then snap out of that hyper-focus in a few days and realize that wow, has nobody even thought of me?

Speaking of that friend, they've kinda ditched me and our friend group (that's practically been dead for a while). They're interested in a guy and it's been going well and I'm happy for them but at the same time its like we don't exist anymore, they straight up said last week that they don't really wanna hang out with us. It stung, but I appreciate the honesty though I guess lmao. For reference I'd consider them my closest friend, weirdly enough I was opening up more to them, the most I've done with anyone probably but it feels like after the last time we hung out its just sort of faded into nothing


This kinda lead me through a whole short-lived paranoia loop where I genuinely thought that pretty much everyone I counted as my friend had, for some odd reason, decided to completely abandon me. It was weird since I think of myself as a pretty rational person, and thinking back fuck yeah it is weird but I wonder why my brain decided to do that.

The thing is though the only constant in all my relationships with everyone has been me, so the problem has to be with me right? I try to initiate more with people, and they can't meet up or are busy, I try to back off for a bit and nobody even bothers trying to talk to me. Don't know if its a coincidence or what but it's really fucking with me.

I had pretty horrible social skills pre-covid (which, seeing as I have over 10k messages on a roleplaying forum isn't a surprise to many) but covid's practically destroyed them, even if I wanted to make some new friends I don't know how, new kid in my class has practically gotten closer to my friends (again, I'd say they are more acquaintances, read the previous paragraph) than I have in less than a fucking month even though I've known them for 4 years.

It really fucks with you, it sucks. It melts your fucking brain, it makes you paranoid, you begin to wonder if you're acting properly, if its what you say or think, or how you look, or what you're interested in, its tiring, its exhausting. I consider myself a pretty fucking normal dude but I've got to be doing something wrong, and for years, I for some fucking reason cannot figure out why.

It's not that I'm not self-aware, I'd say I am, like I know I'm not the most "normal" person but I'm definitely not socially inept to not be able to pick up on social cues or be unable to hold a conversation. But it still fucks with you, its maddening, it shoves you back into that loop of "or am I? Am I really that weird and inept? I can't be if I think I am, or am I?"

It's hard to describe


Looking back through this post I realize that I am in fact, very lonely, I don't think I've ever had anyone that wants to hang out with me one on one, or decides to call me up or randomly text me to tell me something they're excited about, or to just talk. Anyone that I'd consider to be a best friend or some shit, it's all practically just been acquaintances or distant friends, unless its someone obligated to talk to me through ties, like a family member.

Even if I have good days at times when I walk home for those few minutes where I'm alone with my thoughts with nothing to occupy them, I genuinely feel anger or like screaming (frustration I guess is the word) for some fucking reason, sometimes its better, sometimes its worse, but it always happens.


I think I'm self-aware enough, but with posts like these there's always that feeling deep down of "oh you're doing this for attention, or for pity" and it fucks with you on another degree cause it makes it harder to post these, and then you cringe the day after and every time someone replies to it, and I hope I didn't come off as some edgy dumbass or loser or some shit

anyways that's it, I don't even know what I was trying to say and it's probably all word salad