Time to chime in with my own explanation of the events that set off the downward spiral.
As you've all noticed, I'm a fucking cunt a lot of the time. I'm also pretty vocal and blunt about things I'd like to criticize. I'd like to think I can take the same at face value, but sometimes I just get bitter because it seems like I've contributed nothing. Everyone hyped the WW3 weapon base, but the vast majority of it was Alex's work, all I really did was copypaste some files and do some menial numbers work that anyone with a few hours to kill could've done. Likewise for most of the recent additions I've made for HL2RP. A lot of the code I've done is just really basic copypaste work, and even then a lot of the time everything's broken until Zombine, Alex, or hell, even Gr4Ss steps in to fix it for me, I haven't really made anything substantial, something of my own design.
None of it ever felt rewarding, since I never felt I could call it my own work. So, when I finally had the chance to go back to something that was actually mine, that I could honest-to-god say that I had done by myself for the most part (not to discredit anyone else who had helped, but you get what I mean), I fucking jumped at that shit. I feel kinda useless without being able to contribute, and despite the small bits and pieces here and there, it never really feels like something that I put effort into and got a satisfactory result from.
I think Alex will agree when I say that one of the main reasons we as developers do what we do is because we get satisfaction from seeing the finished product, from seeing other people look at and use the finished product, and then continuing to work on it anyway because it never quite feels finished. It's kind of a never-ending cycle, but that recognition, that feeling of "hey, I made that, I put in the effort required to get to that final product" is really what keeps me going.
So, in summary, I kinda jumped the gun at the chance to feel like a productive member of the community again. For all the bitching and complaining I did while making the edits to i17, when the end result was finally compiled and on the live server, I couldn't help but get on and want to show off every last little detail or edit that I made. Is it petty and/or selfish? Probably. But man, seeing the literal weeks of dealing with bullshit finally pay off was a feeling that I continue to strive for, and consistently fail to accomplish with the irrelevant shit I've done thus far.
TL;DR i like making stuff, was pissed off that i wasn't making stuff, got too eager to make new stuff